No, I haven't forgotten

Hello! It's been awhile... I thought I'd update.

I am officially me again. No more attached names, just me, the name I was born with. This is really, REALLY exciting to me. It means I'm no longer someone's wife. Just ME. Make sense?

I'm also really excited for this weekend. I'm probably going over to Vancouver to see a special someone... he's been gone for a little while. No, no names... I mean, damn, y'all don't even know MY name! What I *can* tell you is that I'm really happy. REALLY happy for the first time in a very long time. Sometimes it takes leaving to be sure. For those of you that haven't seen me in awhile, I'm also nearly 45 pounds down from where I was in May. Now THAT speaks volumes, eh? Bikini summer coming up!

I've just had lunch with a friend I haven't seen since 2 days after the ex moved out. It was so great to see her! She looks great - even though she's complaining about gaining a couple of pounds (in what, hair? it certainly isn't anywhere I can see).

Well, been nice chatting with you... I *may* have more to say at a later date :)

Sleeeeeeeep

And now for something completely different. Everyone I know has trouble sleeping. Me too (as most of you know as well). Here is an explanation. It's interesting!

And.... we're good.

First of all... THANK YOU!!! Thank ALL of you that have been so very supportive. Secondly? Well, it's done - and it was (very nearly) painless. Some tears, some worry, but really, I think that was to be expected.

Oh, and for the record? Leon's new house is SO CUTE! Holy cow! He needs to paint (the owner *really* liked orange - lots of shades of orange)... but other than that, it's just fantastic.

I had a really productive weekend as well - trying to put things (back) together, getting rid of dog hair, giving myself room to breathe. The girls spent Saturday night at Daddy's (their) new house, in their new bunkbeds, playing their new Wii (Daddy's house warming gift from friends Trisha, Jim & Austin) and generally having a good time and getting settled in their new weekend home.

I kind of expected to feel more.... I dunno... anxiety ridden? But I suppose I got a lot of that out in the weeks/months leading up to the actual separation of houses.

Now, it's time to get on with everyday life.

Again, I can't thank all of you enough for your support.

Oh, help.

I'm not sure what to do, where to turn, who to talk to, what to say.

I seem to be being made out as the "bad guy" in this separation... dammit, it just *is*.

My Dad all but hung up on me the other night, when I told him L was moving out on Saturday... and yet when L called them to tell them, he was invited out to play golf! JEEZus!

Another example? Alright then. L and the girls went to Granny's for an overnight visit last weekend... my parents joined them for lunch and they offered L any help he needed. None of these offers have come to me... these people don't ask me how I'm doing - how I'm feeling. I want to stamp my feet and scream but you're MY family... I'm the one that you're supposed to support.

This, in addition to the week of turmoil... guilt over daycare, my baby attending Kindergarden, learning a new job, helping L pack and choose which things he'll take with him.... have left me feeling quite alone.

Firsts (2)

The 15th it is. Leon will have his own place, I will have mine. Support and encouragement strongly recommended.

*UPDATE* The children have now been told... they're pretty excited about the idea of having 2 houses (bunk beds don't hurt either ;-)) They're currently off with Daddy looking at his new house.

Firsts

Today was a day of firsts.... first day of my new job, first day of school for my oldest, first day of daycare for my youngest, first day of classes for Leon... a lot of very busy firsts. Today was also the 11th anniversary of the day we got married.

The next few weeks will be interesting. My soon-to-be-separated-from husband is trying to find a place for the 15th, which will be another first. Some days it feels like there's SO MUCH going on, others like nothing has changed.

Went to Vancouver for most of the long weekend... yes, went to the PNE as well. I truly can't believe how popular the fair is, even after all this time. It was one of the best weekends of my year, so far - but I must say... Vancouver, Mr. Sullivan, PLEASE resolve the strike issue... soon... and to the Union members and officials... PLEASE don't be greedy - you are all paid very well for what you do.

That's all folks... more updates when/as they warrant.

To you, with Love.

It has come to my attention that I Love many people, and many of those people I have never told "I love you".

So to you, my Family: Mom, Dad, Lorene... I love you with everything that I have. It kills me to see you so very, very ill Mom, and it hurts me that there isn't anything that I can do to help you.

To Grampa... I love you so much, and I'm sorry that the love of your life has left you now. You will meet again, one day - but hopefully not too soon.

To Leon, Casey and Jordan... I Love you all so much that it hurts sometimes. Leon, I'm sorry that it's time for this to end, but please tell me it'll all be okay in the end because we are doing what is best for all of us.

To Christine and Christopher... I love you both very much. I'm sorry that there seems to be a need to demonize someone in this process, and that that someone is me.

To Sarah, Michael, Rowan, Lilah, Cheesefairy, SA, Trombone, Dan, Chris, Heather, Jim, Trisha, Austin, Joy, MA, Arwen, Michelle, Jess, Alan, Stephen, Ian Mack, Rick, and so many that I know I've forgotten in this moment... I love and value each and every one of you because you're special to me, and every one of you have brought amazing light into my life.

Just wanted you to know... so that nothing goes unsaid anymore. I've spent a lot of time not saying things. It's time for that to stop.

I know, I know....

It's been a REALLY long time and in that REALLY long time a LOT of things have happened.

Here's the skinny, for those of you that I haven't had a chance to talk to (sorry... there are REASONS).

Leon and I have decided to separate. It's been a long and arduous process, but I think it's going to be for the best, in the long run. For those of you that know our children - they haven't been told yet, nor will they until we KNOW where each of us will live and how arrangements will be made... so we'd appreciate your candor if you happen to be discussing this in front of YOUR children that our children might know :-). Ah, little ears.

I am also now looking for work. Y'all know my specialties for the most part... so I'd appreciate it if you could watch out for me and let me know if anything interesting happens to crop up that I may be interested in? Nanaimo or Vancouver/the mainland are the contenders because we would all like to stay very close. We don't hate one another, in fact, we all get along quite well... but we want it to stay that way, which is why the separation.

It's been a really emotional few months here... as many of you know, my Gramma also passed away. Her service will be held August 20, which would have been her 91st birthday.

That's it for the update at this moment...

From Dune, with love

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

SUMMER!!!

It HAS arrived! We hit 37 today, and it's not, at this time (9ish) showing any signs of cooling off.

The garden is thriving, though needing a lot of water... 2 new roses have just popped up (red, I haven't planted any roses. At all. Since we moved here)... and landscaping is taking place. Hopefully to be finished REALLY soon if this heat keeps up! I will post photos when it's all done - or y'all could come and VISIT! That would be great!

Things are also on the move job-wise for me. The Director is apparently trying to figure out just how to fit me in, which is amazing. I loved working there, and hopefully will soon love working there again.

Until next time...

And........ breathe out.

Phew. Thank you for your support. It was (is) sorely needed.

I have, since the last post, been pro-active in my approach to this connundrum. Yesteray I went to visit my old place of work and mentioned that I would be interested in coming back, should they want me.... well, wouldn't you know it - a Person In Charge happened to show up and gave me the go. It still needs to go through the director and have a couple of nods here and there, but PLEASE keep your fingers crossed, folks!

Yay me.

Strap in, this could get rough...

I've tried writing a number of times over the past few weeks, unsuccessfully. I'm taking another shot at it now, so please bear with me - this may end up as more of a stream of consciousness.

As many of you know my Gramma died June 8th. I got the call as I was getting off the ferry to have a fun weekend with friends. THAT didn't happen. That weekend feels like a million years ago now. I've been feeling more or less useless for the past couple of years, and it's finally caught up with me. I NEED to break out of the cycle that started 7 or 8 years ago; causing my personal scope to get smaller and ever smaller, to the point where I have felt a bit like a bird in a gilded cage. I have everything I need; except close (local) friends, a sense of purpose and personal value... so I guess I really DON'T have everything I need. I want so very much from my life and I'm kind of feeling like I'm stuck on a rock in the middle of the ocean right now... which, of course, I am. My career, my expertise, my knowledge, background and experience go entirely unregarded here because although there IS a community for what I do, it's primarily rooted in amateur/community situations. I miss feeling valued for something other than cooking, cleaning, laundry and childminding. Please don't take away the impression that I MIND any of this - it's just that that's it. That's It. The bitch of it all is that I can look back and clearly see each and every personal choice that led me here - and I know that I did, each step of the way, the right thing. But I think that maybe many of those steps weren't the right thing for me.

So I've been trying to have THE CONVERSATION with the hubby. It's been bits and pieces over the last month or so... but never one sit-down because he's not been home, still isn't, in fact. Consequently, I've felt unheard and unimportant, except to my old "city" friends, one in particular, that I have thankfully had the opportunity to spend a bit of (though not nearly enough) time with. Here's the thing. When I went over the first time to have a weekend, I went over without making any plans - just loaded my phone with everyone's numbers, intent on surprising people. I got one call in, then my phone died; along with all of the phone numbers and/or contact info I had with me. At that point, I saw my charger, very clearly, sitting on the kitchen counter at home... when I went over the second time it was only for an afternoon and evening, I got a pissy phone call from my parents (wtf?) essentially asking what the hell I was doing and why I wasn't with my Family. These things have left me feeling like I don't GET to have time on my own - that I'm somehow not entitled to have relationships outside of home. Not only do I think that's not right; I also feel like I need to somehow ensure SOME support from those that are closest to me. So how do I get that? How? Seriously?

I am now looking for work in Arts Admin/Mgmt in Vancouver AND on the island - it'll be in Victoria or Vancouver that I find it - either way, it's a commute - and there are (obviously) other consequences that need to be taken into consideration along with (and as a result of) the time that will be spent away. It's a slow process. A slow and difficult one, wrought with guilt, freedom, conscience and awareness that I'm backtracking - but only a bit. Only to a place where I can feel good again - what will the cost be? I've been told by those closest to me that I *should* go back to school (AGAIN???) and retrain - maybe as a graphic designer or photographer because "I like doing that", right? I don't WANT to retrain and I shouldn't HAVE to; but it seems that retraining is the only other option if I stay put. Nanaimo is FULL of all KINDS of opportunities for me - as long as I want to work in retail.

Damn it, I shouldn't HAVE to give up everything I've worked towards over the past 12 years.

Should I?

New Beginnings

I'm taking some for me. Which is odd and scary, different and nearly entirely alien to me at this point in my life. Sarah has inspired me, my old friends that it has taken entirely too long to connect with again have inspired me, Al gave me a kick in the behind, which is where I needed it.

While my girls will always be my first priority, I have finally made it onto my own list, ranking #2 (only behind my kids),thank you very much.

YAY ME!

Gramma

This was her, for anyone interested.

The catching of breath

You know that feeling? The one where it feels like there's a bubble stuck in the back of your throat and your heart feels like it is pounding so hard it might leave your chest? It comes when you hear bad news, or in that moment where you don't quite know where your child is, or when your heart leaps at the thought of a loved one. You know the one I mean.

I've nearly caught my breath. Events have conspired in one way and another to maintain that bubble, and the leaping heart and all of those feelings for what must be weeks now. But I've nearly caught my breath.

The Rules

These rules came to me from a friend. I like them enough to share them.

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11. Don't judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Say "God bless you" when you hear someone sneeze, even if you don't believe... they might.

16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson .

17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

21. Spend some time alone.


A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

Grief.

A girl should never have to see her Grampa cry. Not ever.

After a surgery that should have taken 3 hours and instead took 9, after a recovery that should have taken a week but ended in 4, my dear, sweet Gramma died of congestive heart failure on Friday at 3:30. It was peaceful and she had a chance to say goodbye to Grampa - without the knowledge that that is what it was. She was 90 - to be 91 in August.

She was also fun, loved horses (was a trick rider for awhile, actually), made the best syrup sandwiches, sneaked us dinner before we went home for dinner, loved gardening and her flowers (especially her glads), gave me my love of sweetpeas, secretly smoked until 4 years ago when she decided that she was sick of hiding it (no, not kidding), made sure my Grampa knew what was what, and BOY could she stand there with her hands on her hips. She was little, only 5'1".

And I miss her.

I drove out to Mom and Dad's early in the morning on Sunday. I was fine. I had checked out a bit since the phone call. I reached the exit off-ramp, and that was it. I had to pull the car over because I don't think I could have seen 2 feet in front of me for the waves of misery that had bathed me. Mom answered the door. I've never seen her cry out loud before. Not really. Not from her very being.

But the hardest part of all of this was going to see my amazing Grampa. He's 101 and now, after 76 years of marriage, he's on his own. I went with my Dad. Grampa's eyes filled with tears when he saw me, saying only "Please take me out of here, I'm going to go crazy".

Contemplation

For a crazy while yesterday I was contemplating shearing off the locks. It's been so warm and summer-like and The Hair was just getting way too hot. Then there's today. I woke up FREEZING because I had removed blankets, thinking summer was on its way. Um, oops?

Work has become more challenging recently due to my introduction to Facebook (now crackbook). That thing is insane. I'm loving the contact with my friends - but who are the rest of these people?

I think I shall go and curl up by my fire now. With a blanket. In June.

Good grief.

June

This is beginning to look like a very busy month. School's going to be out soon... maybe too soon? Hubby's going to be away (after he's finished teaching) for very nearly 2 weeks sailing and teaching workshops for Theatre BC... so much to think about! I'm wondering if my parents might like to take the kids for a weekend (like the first w'end after school's out if you're reading this, Mom), perhaps giving me some rather illusive time to myself!

Other news? My Gramma's in Hospital. She seems to be getting better, which is good - I'm sure my Grampa is looking forward to having her home again.

That's it for updates. Sad, isn't it?

it's the FIRST!

Alsoplus? Check out your horoscope!

er...

Perhaps this week has gotten away with me a bit (oops!). But NOW it's Friday, I'm absolutely sleep deprived, but it's been a pretty amazing week.

Perspective, Thursday style

The last post was on Monday. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking of all of the people that I've been in touch with SINCE Monday. It's kinda crazy. Friendships that I thought were possibly irreparably broken or lost to the past are on the mend; rekindled, if you will. Surprises all over the place: and while I've found myself feeling a little melancholy, I've also discovered that that particular kind of sadness, or hope; excitement or resentment is now being tempered with the hope and excitement of meeting up with these people again.

So thank you.

Perspective

One's perspective is, I think, irreparably skewed by one's ego. For example: what you remember about a person is not necessarily what that person would expect you to remember, and vice-versa.

I've been thinking about that quite a lot today (guilty of facebook). In meeting up with friends of a lifetime ago (as far back as *gasp* high school), I'm finding myself surprised at what they remember, or don't - depending on circumstances. I'm also surprised by the rushes of emotion when hearing from friends that I didn't know I missed (or how much I missed them), until they say things like "hi pretty lady". Simple? Yes. And No.

Life experience and, at times, boredom, have written events into my memory - bringing them up for perusal when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable, or, as I just mentioned, bored. I think we remember events that helped to shape us or shame us into a particular mould... things that wouldn't necessarily effect the others involved. Did jealously (hers) over an old boyfriend (or perhaps 2) shape the way I eventually remembered a friend? Did that kiss mean more to me? Did I embarrass myself inexcusably at that party? Did he/she forget about me? What I want to say is "of course not" - but I don't really know, nor do I have the will or interest to seek out the answers to those questions from those people that matter(ed?). These insecurities are insane because if there's anything I've learned in the past 20 years, it's to live in the present, forget the past and look to the future. Those that want to come with you will.

However; having said that, I still find myself thinking about those things. Important or not; real or not; emotional; or not. What we want, I think, is to be remembered. Favourably, if at all possible.

And on that note, and ending with perspective, you must read this.

What can Brown do for me???

Well, they can deliver my g'damn package, that's what. They "guaranteed" delivery by 8pm last night. I'm still waiting. They're now "guaranteeing" delivery by 8pm tonight. I'm not holding my breath. You know? I've never had an on-time delivery from UPS. NEVER.

Goddessa? If you're out there, I would like to request a smiting.

There were hords.

They ate


They hung out in the sun


They committed carnage on an innocent pinata.

Fun was had by all 2 dozen (plus 1) of them.

8

She's going to be 8. At 10:21am tomorrow morning, my little girl's going to be 8. That's really exciting, and scary, and loads of other stuff - but that's my stuff, not hers. I'm feeling like this birthday is going to be a bit of a coming of age for her - not really a little girl, not yet a teen. I'm excited for her.

I'm going crazy trying to get things ready for her - I've laid out a new birthday outfit so that she'll see it when she gets up, with the promise of more presents throughout the day. It's going to be a BIG party - 20 confirmed at this point - and it's going to be a water party (thank god the weather's going to cooperate!). Leon's busy blowing up the pool as I write this - poor guy, he's got to have hyperventilated about a dozen times by now.

Will post with pics tomorrow (well, probably Thursday). Wish us all luck!

Oh, ouch!

What a hugely busy weekend! It's remarkable how you can start a weekend with a LONG list of things to do, work very hard, and STILL have things on the list on Monday morning! Well, quite alright. Most of what's left are 5 minute jobbies - pain in the behind 5 minute jobbies, but....

I LOVE the colour of our front and back decks - we painted the front "dark granite" and the back (the new one) natural tone cedar (stain). The results are just fantastic - one more day of drying and we're ready to go!

Mother's day was terrific - the kids brought me cards and coffee - my oldest made me a bath bomb (holy cow, she's only 7!), my youngest a very pretty "shopping list maker". My hubbie made breakfast, lunch and dinner - and even cleaned it all up! All in all, the best mother's day EVER! Jeez, now I have to think of something for father's day (maybe I'll declare an end to projects for the day?)!

The end of the list is in site. I'd best go and tackle it!

Doll Face

This is amazing, and beautiful and unbelievable and sends an enormously frightening message. Hope you enjoy it as much as I have

Er...

Well, you've got to admit, she's (yes, that's our Jordan) cute!

Life's funny, like that

On the heels of discovering that issues of anxiety (for me) are very much rooted in the past, and dealing (or not dealing) with grief properly - leading to feelings of unworthiness and/or rejection in the face of emotional turmoil, my Grandmother has had life-threatening (or life-saving, depending how you look at it) surgery.

I spent most of the day yesterday with an enormous knot in my stomach, waiting to hear anything, really, about how she did in surgery. Her surgery began at 8am and was to be a (relatively simple) repair for an (admittedly HUGE) abdominal aortic aneurysm. Well, I suppose nothing can be simple when you're nearly 91, and she proved it. My sister called me at 1:30 to let me know that Gram was STILL in surgery and the prospects weren't great - they had to actually straighten out about 16cm of vein in order to de-calcify and then insert not one, but 2 stents (the MRI originally showed only an 8cm occlusion). Anyway. She got out of surgery just past 5 - intubated (that means she had to have a breathing tube to help her breathe) and was then sent to the PACU. The latest this morning is that she has been semi-awake (which is good, but not so good that they're saying she's out of the woods yet). She's still intubated, but they've moved her from the PACU to the ICU (again, good - but not so....... see last italicized statement). Waiting has never been a strong point for me.

Apparently Gram was the talk of the hospital yesterday. Dad was talking to loads of former colleagues and each and every one of them mentioned the "90 year old undergoing impossible surgery" - my Dad just smiled and said "that's my Mother-in-Law". I love when people wear peppermint shoes.

As a wonderful aside, I must mention that my Grandfather (now 101 - the youngest of his surviving siblings) was up and dressed to the nines by 4:30am - ready to take Gramma to the hospital. He's so sweet - and so worried about her.

Anyway. Anxiety levels are decreasing, I'm much more mellow today (my kids will be VERY happy about that - I got upset about a piece of paper on the floor yesterday - sheesh) and I'm sending healing thoughts out to her. Join in if you're able.

Yummmm

Do you like peanut butter cups? How about cookies? Well, here's a recipe I've developed combining the best of both worlds - AND you don't need flour to make it!

2 c. CHUNKY peanut butter(yes, it makes a difference - but only in the texture)
1 c. Sugar
3/4c. Mini Chocolate Chips (semi-sweet)
2 Eggs

Preheat oven to 325°.

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix until well integrated. Roll into balls approx. 1” in diameter. Place on cookie sheet about 2” apart and flatten with a fork. Bake for 15-18 minutes, or until light brown (cooking times will vary, depending on the size of the cookies) – do not overcook!

Makes 3 dozen.

My birthday gift to you... Enjoy!

Afters

Well, it's done. The birthday, the deck (well, except staining and planters), the millions of relatives (which was mostly okay because they worked on the deck)....

Many thanks to everyone that made it out to help. Thanks also to Jim, who brought me the biggest brightest birthday bouquet I've EVER seen.

It was fun! Next weekend, the fence.

XO

It's MAY

Already. It's nearly summer. Holy crap.

Well, on the (other) bright side: the trellis fence is going to be done today (yes, 2 weeks later...), we're shopping for deck lumber tomorrow (yay) for the deck that's being built on the weekend, and the countdown to Casey's birthday has begun (she's marking her calendar... no, really).

Being the first of May (or any month, really), I made the pilgrimage to my favourite horoscope site to see what to expect for the month of May... and she, sadly, hasn't posted the new ones yet. Oh well, later.

So, what do you all think of PC? I'm finding more and more that I'm becoming quite annoyed with having to temper my opinions with phrases like "I respect such-and-such's right to.... but" when the fact of the matter is that I DON'T necessarily respect their choices and feel somehow that I need to temper my opinion in order to - what? - not hurt their feelings? While I DO respect people's rights to have an opinion, I also expect my RIGHTS to be respected. One does NOT have to respect my opinions. This has all come up because of an offensive quote in the Globe that was brought to light by Cheesefairy. I mean yes, it was about shoes, but still... One should not have to apologize for having an opinion, no matter how wrong it may be = )... um, that was a statement of support for Cheesefairy, not the idiot that wrote the comment in the Globe. *grin*

and counting....

Okay, 2 nights in a row - this is getting serious. I am alert, nearly what one could call "happy" rather than surly. I ENJOYED my shower, rather than having it be something necessary to wake me up.

I can't WAIT to see what's going to happen after Tuesday's visit.

You are getting sleeeepy....

No, not really.

Here's the thing. Hypnotism is cool - very cool... but if I had to describe it to you, it would be very difficult. You "wake up" remembering everything that happened - but that's because you're not "out"... you ARE actually conscious and aware the entire time. You are NOT under the control of the practitioner, and what you do or don't do is entirely up to you. You will not/cannot participate in anything that goes against your grain or that you find morally or ethically repugnant.

My practitioner did plant a post-hypnotic suggestion that did actually allow me to ignore (or accept) the snores beside me last night, allowing me to have a great sleep! Yay! But I woke up with my daughter's persistent cough (boo). S'okay. Anything's better with a solid 7 hours under your belt!

Conclusion? Hypnosis works. I'm going again on Tuesday to work some more on relaxation techniques... she's going to teach me to self-hypnotise!

Happy, happy, joy, joy

And for those of you that DON'T enjoy Ren & Stimpy....

Today's the day! I am getting hypnotised at 4pm. I'm excited, and nervous and interested and loads of other things... but mostly anticipating how I'll feel after a great sleep tonight.

Oh, and also? Thanks to Lisa, who reminded us of this little affair....


but for those of you that don't have dogs, I was reminded of another birthday with a very scary picture...


Happy 60th Birthday, Iggy. Luv ya, ya freak!

The funniest thing anyone ever said to me...

I've been known not to sleep. I've been known for my problems getting to/staying asleep. It's been going on for YEARS. Yes, that's why I look tired and yes, that's why I'm grumpy sometimes. I'm hoping that hypnotherapy can help me overcome that, as well as other issues. Saturday's the day, folks! I'm excited, and a bit scared, actually - it's a scary thought, letting someone roam around inside your head! I wonder if she's going to tape it?

Right. The funny bit. Awhile ago, Leon got up before me and took the girls out - so I didn't wake up; not until they got back several hours later and he woke me up after 14 - yes, 14 straight hours of sleep! His words to me? Well, it's great to see that the bags under your eyes are gone.... but they've left stretchmarks.

Update: my Saturday session has been cancelled by the therapist. Why? She has a crush on Leon and feels that working with me would be a conflict. Damn Hottie Husband!

To our American neighbours....

who are also supporters of the NRA


Sincerely, me

Update!

For anyone planning on helping out on the w'end of the 28th (fencing), the date's been changed to the w'end of the 12th. Thanks though!

PS - we're still on for the deck on the w'end of the 5th!

Before his time?

Came across this while reading last night...

When it shall be said in any country in the world, my poor are happy: neither ignorance nor distress is to be found among them; my jails are empty of prisoners;my streets of beggars; the aged are not in want; the taxes are not oppressive... When these things can be said, then may that country boast its constitution and its government.

This was written by Thomas Paine. In 1793.

Busy? Not busy. Busy?

Well, we're coming out of a period of BUSY which entailed 6 shows, rehearsals at our place, planting a load of cedars, landscaping, humpty-humpty lifty-lifty, AND all of the usual activities. Now we're slowing down a wee bit before picking up again. This week we're doing 4x Tae Kwon Do (2 for Leon, 2 for Casey), softball (2 games), an end-of-the-year BBQ (weather permitting) for some of Leon's students, soccer practice plus the mini-world-cup 2-day event that will mark the end (finally) of the soccer season for this year and 1 softball practice. Also included in this week will be the building of the lattice fence around the garden and the planting of the garden... and, my favourite, sweetpeas, honeysuckle and jasmine to climb the lattice!

We need volunteers! The weekend of the 28th will be fence building and the weekend of the 5th (my birthday, incidentally) will be the Building Of The Deck. That will mostly put us in good stead for the rest of the summer, with the only remaining projects being the completion of the landscaping and my laundry room. Dates TBA!!!

All I can say is that after a solid year of renos (which followed 2 years of bits and pieces), we will all be breathing a pretty huge sigh of relief in our practically brand new house!

Dear McDonald's

Now, you KNOW I'm not a big fan of fast food. You also know that I really have no appreciation for your company refusing to remove trans fats from its foods because of the "negative effect" it would have on taste... if KFC can do it, anyone can.

My problem with you today, however, comes from some reading and research I've been doing.

How IS it, McDonald's, that you can supply Sweden with nothing but organic food in edible or 100% biodegradable packaging (removing horrible things like feed lots for raising the beef - the environmental impact ALONE with THAT move really ought to make you think)? How is it, McDonald's, that you claim that you can't serve vegetarian options when in Geneva you do, in fact, serve up a Vegi Mac?

It just plain pisses me off, McDonald's, that you can't offer North American consumers (or in my case, non-consumers) healthier and (likely) tastier food.

Okay, folks.. here it is!

Three things you may not know about me, but may find interesting (if not, oh well...)

1. I have travelled quite a lot and speak 4 languages fluently (read AND write 3 of them).

2. I tend to have scarily accurate (demonstrated) premonitive/precognitive abilities.

3. Although I have some pretty clear ideas, I STILL don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Things on the list? Forensic Psychologist, Sign Language Interpreter (well, a little anyway), Arts Lobbyist and (as those reading the blog know I'm already working on...) Project Food for Thought. There's also Blue Peanut's initiatives - I could never NEVER give up the arts.

3a... okay, maybe this is cheating just a wee little bit, but it's related to #3... and I KNOW that no one knows about this because I've never said it before. I've never said it before because it's too close to me. I've never persued it BECAUSE it's too close to me and I'm afraid to try and fail. So, here goes. I would love to sing again. Perform, that is. For people. There. I said it. It's out there.

So there you go. That is all.

Oh, for crying out LOUD!

Okay. Here's the thing. If you want to produce theatre, produce theatre. Don't whine about losing a space, or lack of money, or anything.

When I was in Vancouver working as the Business Mgr/Administrative Associate with Theatre M.O.M. (Theatre Modular Organizational Management Society), I had over 80 small and mid-size theatre clients. They ALL, without exception, managed to find space in which to produce. Some worked out of theatres, some in a tent in a park, others out of the basement of a pub or back workspace of a bookshop. Each and every one of them received funding - federal, provincial, municipal and gaming.

What matters is the work.

In the town that I live in, there are many such spaces. In fact, Blue Peanut is producing in one right now - an Art Gallery. Now, at the risk of pissing some people off, I have some things to say. There is an AD in town that has just chosen to cancel his entire season (07/08) because the venue that he has been working out of (which, in my opinion should have been condemned long ago for health and safety reasons) has been sold and requires much work before it can be used again. I would really like to see the minutes of the General Meeting during which this decision was made. Not really though. My point? Stop whining and do something about it. Instead of using your energies to rant in the local newspaper, over e-mails and on the backs of programs, Create Space. There's no one to fight here. We, as the arts community need to ALL come together to make space happen, or look at other options instead of acting singularly. I would refer anyone listening to See 7, the brainchild of Theatre M.O.M. Many years ago it started out as a marketing initiative for 7 companies that couldn't afford either space or marketing individually. It grew. Audiences grew. It incorporated on its own and still continues to grow, attracting both new audiences and producing companies. As theatre professionals, we can't afford to ignore one another, but must instead work together.

I propose AARTS Nanaimo. It's an initiative of Blue Peanut that I've been working on for a year or so now. The idea is to form a collective of arts professionals and/or people that WANT to be in the arts. Collective admin, collective marketing, etc. - and I'm willing to help ANYONE that needs administrative advices. I'm also working on setting up something akin to Vancouver's Alliance for Arts and Culture, but for Vancouver Island.

If there's anyone out there interested in learning Arts Admin and increasing their individual effectiveness and/or apprenticing, let me know. I'm here and willing to help.

A day early?

Apparently I'm getting lazy. 1 post a week - that's it!

Blue Peanut's show seems to be going well enough. Leon (the AD) chose a terrific group of people to participate and the audiences, although on the small side (the venue is tiny) are quite appreciative.

Now here's the thing. I've been tagged for a meme, but I have no idea what to say. The topic is 3 things that people don't know about you. I have no idea what people don't know about me - or what people may be interested to know about me.... so, what do I write about?

No Complaints

This is cool. There's a pastor in the US that has a website. His goal is a complaint-free world! How cool. While I may not share his faith or belief system, I have to admire someone that has come up with such an admirable plan. His idea? A little purple rubber bracelet. All you have to do is wear it on one wrist for 21 days. The catch? If you complain, about anything, you have to change wrists and start counting all over again. Not as easy as it sounds, eh? The bracelets are free (3-5 weeks for delivery), and available on the above website - they request a donation, but it's not necessary. Now let's find a way to have an ad-free day, shall we?

1 Week

That's all it takes to:

1. Forget to blog
2. Host in-laws and friends that we haven't seen for 2 years (the friends, not the in-laws)
3. Cast a show and do the marketing/publicity for the show that goes up next week (eek)!
4. Go slightly crazy 'cause the kids are both home and so am I.
5. Read 2 books - 1 that I've read before and another that I won't read again
6. Have hip pain, not have hip pain, have hip pain, not have hip pain, etc.....
7. Learn that my sister has earned an undergrad RN position at her hospital!
8. Soccer Games, soccer practices, Tae Kwon Do, kids' friends over, dance lessons, swimming lessons, pre-school, owies, boo-boos, grocery shopping, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, laundry, floors, bathrooms and making space for our guests.
9. Update website and continue business plan/website development for Project Food for Thought

and...

10. Wonder what he heck to blog about. Is there anything anyone would particularly like to know about me/what I do/???

Netfile!

I would like to congratulate the Canadian Government's Revenue Agency on their speedy (yes, SPEEDY!) repair of the Netfile System. It's been just over a week (it went down the very day I finished my taxes... murphy was looking, I guess), but now it's back up and our refund is on its way.

Related... I love quicktax. It's quick. It's taxes. As long as you have all of your information at hand, taxes can be completed in less than an hour (and that's with loads of complicated deductions, etc).

Mooooooody!

I have been such a moody cow lately! Sorry about that. I haven't been feeling the greatest (Flu's gone, but I've still got a fever... what's up with that???) and there's some stuff going on with my grandparents that I'm worried about. I'm afraid that I even took it out on my Mum when she called tonight.

A long time ago, I saw a really (really) crappy show with a horrible woman that loved to talk down to people; however, she did do and say something to the kids that has stuck with me, and I'm going to share it! After some sort of quarrel complete with tears, she handed the kids each a spoon and a tube of toothpaste. She asked them to squirt the toothpaste out onto their spoons. Then she asked them to try to put the toothpaste BACK INTO THE TUBES. Not possible, right? Right. Her point? Words are like toothpaste. Once they're out, you can't put them back... so think carefully about what you say.

That's MY lesson for today. Hopefully I'll remember that next time I try to speak without thinking.

Disease?

How many times in my life have I heard "when I was a kid...."? How many times have YOU heard it?

Well, here goes. When I was a kid, there were hyper kids, quiet kids, kids that did what they were told, kids that didn't. Rich kids, poor kids, talented kids, average kids. I miss that. Now there are kids with ADD, ADHD, ODD (??? aren't kids SUPPOSED to be defiant ???), pleasers, rebels, advantaged, disadvantaged, etc. You get the point.

When did we, as young parents, decide that it was okay for others to label our kids and feed them all kinds of "medications" designed to "quiet" them into an obedient stupor when it was our generation, growing up, was all about getting rid of labels?

Don't medicate your kids if you don't HAVE to, people! There are extremes,of course, as there always have been - but those are rare. Not 10 to a class.

QUESTION your health providers. GET second opinions. DON'T ALLOW your child to miss his/her childhood in a daze of over-prescribed/under-required medications. And, most of all, DO NOT allow your child's teacher(s) to convince you otherwise just so that he/she can have a "more orderly teaching environment".

Oh, and my flu? It went away.

When's enough.... enough?

Now. That's when!

1 week ago today, in the middle of the night, I woke up with a head-splitting tension headache, possibly a migraine. I took some meds and fortunately fell back to sleep. On Thursday evening I had a friend over and some sniffles - I attributed them to the miserable 2 weeks of allergy that seem to come upon me every year at this time. Boy, was I wrong. I woke up on Friday morning with a high fever, stopped up nose AND a migraine. This, I am told, is the nasty flu for this year.

You'd think it'd go away. At least some of it. Nuh-uh. Here we are on a beautiful Wednesday morning, with a high fever that hasn't gone away since Friday (and I have the fever blisters to prove it), a stuffy nose and a migraine (I think you stop feeling the ENTIRE effect after awhile).

Enough already! I've missed going over to friend's house to play pool, a friend's surprise birthday party, going swimming with my kids (of course, I HAVEN'T missed cleaning and all of the other assorted household things that have been put on hold) and other assorted fun things to do.

Dear Flu, GO AWAY!

Peri-Meno-who?

There's a new animal in town and it's called Peri-Menopause. If you don't know what it is, join the other 9.5 out of 10 women that don't either. Until they do.

Peri-menopause is a nasty little jobbie that is so confusing and so many women (like myself) go through it without thinking it's hormonal. They (like me) think they're going crazy. Really.

Here's an explanation of what it is, the signs and symptoms and what you can expect. Knowing what to expect helps. Really.

Peri-menopause is the first stage of menopause and can last 4-8 years. It usually begins to happen around the age of 40 (I'm early, apparently that's common). It's signs and symptoms, though confusing and many, include: mood swings (PMS from HELL), very low/unusually high libido and mistakenly thinking that you're having emotional problems (that was MY big thing)... in this phase, one's estrogen levels are often higher than when we're in our 20s (up to 30% higher, and that's saying something). As high as the estrogen levels are, however, they can't be reliably tested as they fluctuate, wildly at times - which is the cause of the emotional tie-in (apparently if you suffer from PMS or have suffered from Post-Partum Depression, these symptoms can be much worse). Symptoms (during your period) also include difficulty sleeping, migraine and/or tension headaches, heavy periods or night sweats, swollen breasts, water retention/bloating, increased irritability, depression and forgetfulness.

Another little known fact is that the hormone, inhibin (it puts the brakes on the production of eggs in the ovaries) depletes and allows the FSH to increase, stimulating several eggs rather than just one. Scary, huh?

Equally scary is the fact that there is seemingly little or no help during this time - some are treated with mild estrogen, but often this makes symptoms worse. Naturopathy seems to be the most recommended treatment - or you can suffer through. Most women (like myself)are unlikely to become uncomfortable enough to seek help until this period is nearly 1/2 done (no kidding).

Thought you'd like to know.

Inspiration

While reading a book this morning, I came across some amazing quotes by an inspiring man; Booker T. Washington. Before anything even approaching civil rights (in the US) came to be, this African-American man (born into slavery in 1856) worked to improve race relations in the States. Here are 2 of the statements that inspired me: "One man cannot hold another man down in the ditch without remaining down in the ditch with him", and "Most leaders spend time trying to get others to think highly of them, when instead they should try to get their people to think highly of themselves". There were many more, but I wanted to share those with you.

Ah, Sesame Street

As I see it, the real trouble here is that my kids are Ernie and Oscar!

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them! You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil How you live your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

The Sesame Street
Personality Quiz

Take it! PS - Thanks for the find, Arwen!

Help!

In an effort to further my program Project Food For Thought, I have recently taken to asking for letters of support for the program from various levels of school professionals. Now I'm asking you! For those of you that are new to this idea, Project Food for Thought is a new organization that will be endeavouring to take knowledge of food, food choices and cooking classes to schools. For free, if I can. More on that in a previous post (I know what I want to be when I grow up).

Please; if you have the time and like the program, take the time to pen a letter of support in Word or any other PC compatible program and attach it to an e-mail entitled "Support". Send it to me at:

info (at) bluepeanut (dot) net

Your letters could actually help me gain full sponsorship!

Thanks!

Family

My parents have been visiting for the past few days, which has been amazing. I miss them when they're not here. Probably makes me odd, but I don't really care! They got to see their granddaughters in Tae Kwon Do class and Soccer, Swimming and preschool and I hope they had as good a time as I did.

They've recently (okay, well only recently if you call the last 2 years recent) taken to looking for a new house - my Dad hopes for one without too much land to take care of (they're moving off of acreage) and my Mom hopes for one that has land and ocean and views and loads of wonderful things that I think we all want. There seem to be so many road blocks for them right now. My Grandparents have lived on their property for well over 30 years now, and they also need to move. Gramps is 101 and Gramma's 90. Yes, they still live on their own and quite well, most of the time. I think that having grandparents close (at least just a car-ride away) is of great benefit. I grew up that way - and loved it.

Over the years, Mom and Dad have become nearly the sole care-givers for Gramma and Grampa; with the exception of the odd drop-in from other families (which doesn't happen NEARLY enough, hint hint if you're reading this). We used to visit at least once a week while we were still on the mainland, though I do digress. Although my sister and I love our grandparents deeply, our true concern is for our Mom and Dad. We do NOT want them to have Gramma and Grampa move in with them. So, Mom, hearing this, began looking at care facilities here on the island. Yay! There are so many locally; many offer care from assisted living (which Gram and Gramps probably are) to intermediate and acute care. I'm kind of keeping my fingers crossed on this one, as it would mean my parents (and, bonus! Grandparents) would be much closer than a ferry-ride away. We'd be able to visit more often and the girls would get to know them the way I know my grandparents.

I KNOW that this is their decision, but dammit! I want them to move here!

That's MY daughter!

My 7 (nearly 8, ig!) year old daughter Casey just makes me SO proud sometimes. Her Dad puts her to bed every night (YAY Dad!) and they have little "talks" before story time. This is a time for her to ask any questions she would like to have answers to - no restriction on subject matter. It's been great - mostly dealing with things like friends and bullys; drugs; peer pressure; school - the usual. Last night somehow the subject of health came up - well, not really health. Plastic surgery. Leon asked her how she felt about it - she said, and I quote, "Plastic surgery is silly, Daddy" to which he responded "Oh...?". Casey then said something to him that made me realize she's got her head screwed on absolutely straight... she said "Surgery is for health, Daddy, not fashion".

*beaming*

Kidisms

My 4 year old has been attending pre-school for a year now. A little girl in her class has a (much) older brother. Today, on the ride home from pre-school, she said "Mommy, can I have an older brother?" to which I responded "uh, that isn't really possible, hon". She said to me - and I quote "Sure it is, you just have to make a bigger egg".

It's got a name!

Project Food for Thought. That is all.

When I grow up...

I've got it. I FINALLY know what I want to be when I grow up.

As some of you know, I've been writing a cookbook that specializes in good food - cheap, fast and easy.

What I WANT is to help people.

As I was cooking dinner the other night, my 7 year old asked me why I like to cook - and why I like so many different kinds of food. That question took me back to grade 5, my 1st generation Canadian teacher Ms. Lee, and her Mum. Mrs. Lee used to come in once a month or more and cook for the class - she made all kinds of foods that we'd never heard of, never mind tasted, and it sparked a life-long love of food in me.

So, when I grow up, I want to be just like her. The plan is to gain sponsorship from a major grocery chain, the school district and the province; and go into the classrooms (kitchens) of our elementary schools and try to share that experience and love of food with grades 3,4 and 5 in an effort to introduce the world of food to children that would otherwise go home to a fast-food dinner - or something equally unhealthy. What I would LOVE to do is get the kids cooking. The grocery sponsorship would (hopefully) be in kind food donations - enough to perhaps even send the kids home with the groceries to make the chosen meal. The School District sponsorship would (hopefully) be in support and possibly partial payment; and the Provincial Sponsorship, possibly from MSP, would be in the form of a small stipend to enable me to do this as a job. What I would also love to do, is to give these wonderful little people a copy of the cookbook to take home.

Why as free as possible? Because I've just read a report that states that my school district is the poorest in the province. Now, I have to admit that this surprised me greatly because so many of the kids that my children are friends with tend to be in the same income bracket as us; firmly in the middle class.

If we can teach our children to change the way they eat and see food, we'll begin to change medical outcomes in the very near future. Can you envision an end to Type 2 Diabetes? or Obesity? or High Cholesterol and Heart Disease? I can. I think it begins with the education of our children.

Any suggestions?

Kids

Man,sometimes they're funny....




Sometimes they're mad...




Sometimes they're cute...



And sometimes they're so beautiful they make you want to cry.





That is all.

Old Friends?

This post was entirely inspired by Sarah at In the Rough. What do you DO with the people that you used to know/be friends with/date? Everyone goes through it - life changes, moves, marriage, etc. and we grow apart from the people that we used to know and love.

Over the past year or so, many people that I used to have in my life have cropped up in memory - some of them being quite persistent enough to prompt visits to ye olde google to see if the 'net knows what they're up to. Some of them I managed to find, some not. I am SURE that I'm not the only one - but has it JUST been the last year or so?

I've had e-mails out of the blue from people that used to know me and found me by "googling" me (sounds like something sexy, donnit?). Likewise, I've surprised a couple of people myself with e-mails, even snail mail(!) for some of them. My hubby has also been contacted out of the blue from people that he hasn't seen for 10 years or more.

What IS this phenomenon? Is it that we suddenly have an urge to connect to our past? Is it that something in our lives is willing us to look back and learn, or perhaps look to seemingly "happier" memories.

Well, whatever the cause, I'm very happy to have connected with those people that I've been able to find. I do wish that I could find more though....

Up for a fight?

My 7 year old likes to play soccer, therefore I register her in soccer each year. This year because they're 7, they get to play outside. They've played a total of 3 games this year. Yes, the weather's been bad. Parents have repeatedly asked the local soccer association to find indoor space for the 7 year olds (there are a LOT of schools around here). The soccer association says it's not their problem. The parents have asked for pro-rated refunds, based on the number of games they've lost. The soccer association says "but we each volunteer 20-30 hours a week". The parents get annoyed and say "what does that have to do with the fact that our girls aren't playing soccer?". The soccer association says "you don't know what you're talking about". The parents nearly give up, but offer lots of alternatives such as discounts for next year's play, clearer communication between the fields and the coaches (we've shown up at the fields beleiving they're open because the websites say so an we're told once we're there that they're not) and more open attitudes on everyone's part. The soccer association refuses to respond any further to inquiries from parents.

This is frustrating for everyone. What to do? Contact the BC Soccer Association and report? Good lord, our kids just want to play!

What the...?

How is it, please, that I can read a report on how much underprivileged people spend on fast food and dining out?

One of the many reasons I decided to write my cookbook was because of this report. It identified the underprivileged as the single largest user-group of fast food restaurants. The same report went on to identify the same group of people in Canada and the US as the most likely to become morbidly obese, develop type 2 diabetes (non-insulin dependant) and/or heart disease in their lifetimes. Scary, huh?

Recently, we decided to renovate our home. Part of the reno included being without a kitchen/cooking tools for nearly 2 weeks. One of our discoveries in this time period was how bloody expensive it is to eat out every day. The other was just how gross we ended up feeling, regardless of the food we ate (my usual pick was salad - Leon's was usually a high-protein something or other - but we were proudly staying away from burgers!). At a minimum of $30/night for a family of four, 2 weeks was too many for our bodies and our wallets. Keep in mind that that's just ONE MEAL PER DAY!

The cookbook features fresh foods, cooked with a minimum of work and maximum of flavour - all for less than $20/day... to easily feed a family of 4-6, with leftovers. I plan on marketing this book to our local social service agency, and donating a bunch of copies to our local food bank, to be included in the bags of food they give out. Hopefully this can be my small contribution to a fast-food world gone wrong.

If anyone out there has any recipes they'd like to share or have included in the book, please e-mail me. The only rules are that they have to feed a family of four (with leftovers, if possible), they have to use fresh ingredients and they have to cost less than $15 to make. I WILL try them!

The Tree is Down

The tree is down, the lights are down and I can finally see what my new curtains look like!

Crazy, I know. We've been renovating/remodelling our house for some time now - it's nearly done - and our new curtains arrived the same day that we put up the tree (which goes directly in front of the curtains)... so we haven't been able to see what they look like! They're perfect- so much better than I ever thought they'd look, coming out of a catalogue.

My girls have been at my Mom & Dad's since Wednesday and are coming home today to a much more well rested Mummy and Daddy. We've been eating when (and what) we like, watching movies and going to bed at a reasonable hour - not trying to stay up just so that we have a few minutes together - and I caught my hubby racing out of bed at 9 this morning to go to work (his schedule's pretty flexible, but he LIKES to be there by 9). All in all, the past few days have been very relaxing - with the possible exception of hiding from the JWs that came knocking on the door TWICE yesterday and for some reason camped out at the end of my driveway (!). Why do they DO that? No, don't answer - I actually know the answer - but really, WHY??? It's SO annoying.

Bringing me now to my next favourite gift of last year (which wasn't actually effective yesterday because apparently those people can't READ). A doormat. It reads "We love our vacuum, we've found God and we gave at the office. Thanks" I laughed SO HARD when my mum-in-law gave that to us! I love it when you can use humour to make a point - it's even kind of funny when the people knocking on my door don't get it.