Strap in, this could get rough...

I've tried writing a number of times over the past few weeks, unsuccessfully. I'm taking another shot at it now, so please bear with me - this may end up as more of a stream of consciousness.

As many of you know my Gramma died June 8th. I got the call as I was getting off the ferry to have a fun weekend with friends. THAT didn't happen. That weekend feels like a million years ago now. I've been feeling more or less useless for the past couple of years, and it's finally caught up with me. I NEED to break out of the cycle that started 7 or 8 years ago; causing my personal scope to get smaller and ever smaller, to the point where I have felt a bit like a bird in a gilded cage. I have everything I need; except close (local) friends, a sense of purpose and personal value... so I guess I really DON'T have everything I need. I want so very much from my life and I'm kind of feeling like I'm stuck on a rock in the middle of the ocean right now... which, of course, I am. My career, my expertise, my knowledge, background and experience go entirely unregarded here because although there IS a community for what I do, it's primarily rooted in amateur/community situations. I miss feeling valued for something other than cooking, cleaning, laundry and childminding. Please don't take away the impression that I MIND any of this - it's just that that's it. That's It. The bitch of it all is that I can look back and clearly see each and every personal choice that led me here - and I know that I did, each step of the way, the right thing. But I think that maybe many of those steps weren't the right thing for me.

So I've been trying to have THE CONVERSATION with the hubby. It's been bits and pieces over the last month or so... but never one sit-down because he's not been home, still isn't, in fact. Consequently, I've felt unheard and unimportant, except to my old "city" friends, one in particular, that I have thankfully had the opportunity to spend a bit of (though not nearly enough) time with. Here's the thing. When I went over the first time to have a weekend, I went over without making any plans - just loaded my phone with everyone's numbers, intent on surprising people. I got one call in, then my phone died; along with all of the phone numbers and/or contact info I had with me. At that point, I saw my charger, very clearly, sitting on the kitchen counter at home... when I went over the second time it was only for an afternoon and evening, I got a pissy phone call from my parents (wtf?) essentially asking what the hell I was doing and why I wasn't with my Family. These things have left me feeling like I don't GET to have time on my own - that I'm somehow not entitled to have relationships outside of home. Not only do I think that's not right; I also feel like I need to somehow ensure SOME support from those that are closest to me. So how do I get that? How? Seriously?

I am now looking for work in Arts Admin/Mgmt in Vancouver AND on the island - it'll be in Victoria or Vancouver that I find it - either way, it's a commute - and there are (obviously) other consequences that need to be taken into consideration along with (and as a result of) the time that will be spent away. It's a slow process. A slow and difficult one, wrought with guilt, freedom, conscience and awareness that I'm backtracking - but only a bit. Only to a place where I can feel good again - what will the cost be? I've been told by those closest to me that I *should* go back to school (AGAIN???) and retrain - maybe as a graphic designer or photographer because "I like doing that", right? I don't WANT to retrain and I shouldn't HAVE to; but it seems that retraining is the only other option if I stay put. Nanaimo is FULL of all KINDS of opportunities for me - as long as I want to work in retail.

Damn it, I shouldn't HAVE to give up everything I've worked towards over the past 12 years.

Should I?