The end of another year...

I hope that the resolutions that I make as I end this year truly make a difference in my life in the year to come. I've spent the past few days thinking about the last year and finding myself disappointed in my reaction to me. The theme for this year seems very much to have been that I'm not good enough. Negative tomes seem to have invaded my thought processes and I need to find a way to change these things: I'm fat/I'm boring/I'm a burden/I'm unattractive/I don't have the 'right' clothes/I'm not good enough/I don't have enough... money... ambition... will power... you name it.

I need to spend the next couple of weeks (that I'm taking off of work) finding a way to change my negative thought patterns and realize... TRULY realize that I AM good enough for me and anyone that cares to spend time with me.

I think that good, regular sleep will help - I also think that finding time for more regular exercise will help (possibly even with the sleep).

So long story short:

My resolution for the New Year is to take it easy on me. To be the best I *can* be and to spend more time trying new things.

From my friend, the Cheesefairy...

A brief intro: I can't do Cheesefairy's writing justice. She has more talent in her nail clippings than I do in my entire body. That said, the following is her most recent post - one I identify with more than I can say. Reproduced on this page with her expressed permission. For more Cheesefairy, please visit her site


Controversunday: That New York Times Article

I have a love/hate thing with parenting articles. On the one hand, I think they’re often more divisive than informative. They imply that someone is doing it RIGHT and the other guys are doing it WRONG.

On the other hand, I also watch America’s Next Top Model from time to time. So I read it, this article in the New York Times about how Parents Hate Parenting and then I read a bazillion blog posts about the article and then it was Controversunday, which is a Sunday meme where people can write about the same topic and IT was about the article so I thought I’d run my mouth off a bit.

Look, it’s a badge. It came from here and the hostess of Controversunday is Our Lady of Perpetual Breadcrumbs and I first discovered this meme through A moment to think and is that it? Am I done crediting people? I don’t know what I”m doing here. Halp!

The New York Times Article talks to a bunch of people about their experiences parenting, reporting that parenting is not as rosy and glowy as we would believe. It sounded to me like she was saying, “What are we doing wrong, that we’re not enjoying this wonderful experience?”

Which left me wondering – Who said it was a wonderful experience? Like, a wholesale, wonderful experience without warts? I don’t expect to completely enjoy any experience, let alone something as complicated as creating, bearing, and raising another human being.

We struggle, in our house, with our happiness. Because often, the children get in the way of what we want. What we want:

1. quiet
2. time

Every time we practice expressing our disappointment, getting over it, having a good day anyway, we grow. We become better versions of ourselves. We become more patient, more kind, more knowledgeable. Every day we survive as parents makes us better people. Not better people than you. Better people than we were yesterday.

Parenthood isn’t about happiness from chocolate cake. It’s about happiness from personal growth.

The article makes it sound like there are people who decide to have a child based on whether they think that a child would…bring them this happiness? Like the waiter brings you your food? Naturally, those people are disappointed when the child brings chaos instead.

(That’s not what I ordered! Should I have had the Harvey Wallbanger instead of the Sidecar? Would I be happier?)

The thing about any external change to a situation is: it’s external. It can neither bring, nor deny you happiness. If you were happy before, you will strive for happiness despite the change.* If you were unhappy before, you will continue to be unhappy, despite the change. Much as a Big Frouffy Wedding! will not change the fact that you don’t love your partner, a Big Beautiful Baby! will not change the fact that you don’t like your life.

* with an exception made for post partum depression and other mental illnesses

Children are not a mirror. They are a magnifying glass. They make everything bigger; louder, messier, funnier, weirder, more stressful, more exciting. And so, they bring your issues into sharp relief. They make you face your shit.

Is that going to make you happier?
Is it going to make you happier, right now, to know that you have some shit you’ve not been facing?
Is it going to make you happier, right now, to look at that shit, up close and very large?

No, no, and no.

But when you’ve dealt with, faced, and moved on from your shit, you will be happier. You will understand your anger or your fear or your pain, at the root, you will have looked at these demons, at their teeth and claws and warts and you will know you have met them where they live. You will be happier for having done the work, whether or not you are a parent.

I am still doing this work. Every day. That is what sucks about parenting. It’s work. (and it’s every day) But it’s work that, if you do it right, makes you a better person. That’s what I want from my life; it might not be what everyone else in the world wants. So I would say yes, I am happy to be a parent and I am happy to work at parenting every day, and I am happy I got the kids I got, but being their parent doesn’t make me happy.

Being me makes me happy. My kids have their own jobs to do.

Chocolate Chip Cookies and my new website!

Made chocolate chip cookies tonight for the first time in AGES! Man, they're yummy :)

375 degree oven
Makes about 3 dozen or so

1c butter
3/4 c brown sugar
1/2 c white sugar
blend until really creamy, then add:
1 egg
2 tsp vanilla
blend well, then add:
1 3/4 c flour (I use white flour, unbleached)
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
blend until mixed, add
1 1/2 c chocolate chips
mix until they're pretty evenly distributed.

drop by teaspoonful (yeah, right) onto baking sheets and bake for about 10 minutes

alsoplus?

Come visit me! www.shelleybilodeau.com

:)

Summer

I can hardly believe that another summer has arrived. I am also finding it very hard to believe that the girls have only 3 1/2 days of school left. I am soon to be the Mom of a little girl who, impossibly, has become a grade six-er, and another who will enter grade 3. How does this happen?

Is it just me, or does time seem to pass more quickly as we get older?

I can physically remember the long days of summer as a child. The never ending days and long, warm nights. They seemed to last forever. I remember going back to school and seeing how much everyone had changed over the summer. Most notably, my friend Paula. She left for her summer vacation after grade 7 a slightly chubby flat-chested homely girl and came back to grade 8 taller, slimmer and gorgeous. HOW does that happen in the space of 9 weeks?

I am both looking forward to and dreading when this happens to my girls. Granted, it will be a gradual process that I will witness nearly every day... but still.

My oldest is becoming an absolute knock-out. My youngest has lost her baby look and is a beautiful little girl.

When I think about these things, I wonder where life will take them... will they have an easy life, full of joy and happiness? Will things become difficult for them as they grow older? We all go through the horrible high school years full of angst and finding ourselves... but will I be able to help them to see that regardless of how they feel in that moment, things can and will always be better?

There isn't enough time. Never enough time to spend with them ... be myself with them, without the worries of house cleaning, work, getting stuff done, getting ready for this or that, hurrying to the next thing, feeding them and guiding them through their bumps. At times this makes me feel slightly panicked... but like high school, it will resolve to other questions such as "How will they remember me?".

These questions have been brought to the forefront lately. I have had 3 friends (all Mothers) die in the last month. Cancer. THEY WERE MY AGE!!! It's not fair - not fair that they were taken so early; not fair that their children will be left without them.

Anyway.

Summer - it's here... I shall try my best to spend my time wisely.

June 8

3 years ago today, I met a friend that I hadn't seen in nearly 10 years on a beach that I hadn't been on in more than 4 years. We had communicated using social networking sites for quite some time... which led to nightly messenger conversations that kept us both up long past our bedtimes.

Today we're living together in a house we bought together, hoping to have a successful pregnancy and to bring together my children with our child(ren).

It is times like this that remind me that all of the noise and hassle of everyday life are minuscule compared to the luck and love I have in my Best Friend and Lover. We share a connection that is very special, and I think more than a bit unusual.

On that evening on the beach, we sat closer than friends should and talked until well after the sun went down about new things and old things and everything that had happened in our lives since we had last said good bye. Neither one of us wanted to part company, so we didn't.

There have been a great many ups and downs in the years between then and now, but the one constant has been each other.

I love you, baby. Thank you for everything that you bring to my life.

The noise in my head

Do you ever get that? The noisy/static-y confusion that happens when there is too much to do and everything, regardless of what you do to appease the gods of crazy-making, just piles up?

I'm there.

Again.

The noise in my head is getting too loud. So loud in fact, that I don't even know where to start.

The sensible part of me is shouting "Just start somewhere... put the dishes in the dishwasher"(for example)... but the unreasonable part is saying... "okay, but what about the big issues that are pending at work... what about the birthday party... the laundry... what about everything else that ISN'T the dishes"?

So I've said STOP. And now I'm writing about it with the hope that seeing the words written down will calm the crazy.

I need to write a list; a list with 2 columns: side one will be everything that needs doing and side two will be everything that needs doing that I can't do anything about until I hear back/the other guy does his bit/hell freezes over. Maybe... just maybe that will appease the gods of crazy-making. For now.

*update*: The list is made. Turns out that some of the things that I didn't realize were important are. Like setting up my office stuff outside of my bedroom. SOON. I need it to be organized. It also turns out that I have WAY more to do than can be accomplished in a day... or even a week... without help. One thing at a time. Those check marks will feel good. As will getting the stuff off of the "things I can't do anything about right now" list. Clarity is helping... but not as much as 2 more people, 8 more arms, an unlimited budget and time to myself would. Ooo - there's another one for the "today" list: buy a LottoMax ticket :)

*update 2*My boobs are hurting again. Is this a new ovulation thing? Anyone else out there experience pregnancy-like boob swelling and pain during ovulation?

Yay me :)

I had a fantastic birthday. I woke up in the BEST mood and felt "light" all day. I went to meetings and told people that it was my birthday (see previous post). They responded with heartfelt "happy birthdays" and it made my day even brighter! Dozens of wishes on FB lifted my mood even more.

Chris picked up the girls because my last meeting wasn't going to be over until after 2:30 (their normal pick-up time)... I texted him when I was done and wanted to surprise them all with a blizzard (yum!)... but I didn't hear back, so I went to DQ anyway. Got home... no one here. Not even the dog. Odd. Called them twice (cell)... no answer. Perplexed now. Put the blizzards in the freezer and got out of my suit. Just as I came downstairs, my lovely people came home with a big bouquet of flowers for me! Chris made a lovely dinner and my parents and sister came over with birthday cake for dessert!.

All in all a wonderful day. Thank you all - I love you!

Gosh...

it's my birthday tomorrow.

That's got me thinking (shocking, I know). Is everyone as shy as me about telling people that it's their birthday? To me, it seems (rude/attention getting/compliment mongering/immodest/blatant) odd for ME to tell people that it's my birthday. I certainly don't feel that way when others let it be known that it's THEIR birthday.

I have this crazy ideal when it comes to me though.

I can't stand not being GREAT at something ... the FIRST TIME I DO IT. Isn't that nuts? ... but again, not something that I criticize in other people - in fact, quite the opposite. I will spend a lot of time encouraging people big and small to keep trying, that they can't possibly expect perfection the first time.

So what is it? Why do I set impossibly high standards for myself that are, frankly, inhuman?

I think that this birthday year I'm going to try working on that. Try to get to a place where I don't expect perfection from me. I will still do my best, but I will work on not being so hard on myself. That may go a long way toward lowering my stress level and probably the stress of the people around me.

Happy Birthday, Me. Take it easy on yourself!

Disappointment

So... either I was reading my body's signals wrong (unlikely), or I was and now I'm not.

That made me sad last week.

... but I'm certainly up for trying again! On a positive note? It (if it existed) wasn't ectopic :)

It Works!

I Hope...

Between work and home, I've been finding that home especially has been getting a wee bit overwhelming... cleaning, laundry, being responsible for the lives and welfare of 3 other people... y'know. Home, in and of itself isn't SO bad if it's the ONLY thing... but add onto it the schedule of a self-employed person and it gets crazy.

So yesterday I decided that I had to do something about it. I've said it before, and tried it before in various incarnations: but this time it might stick. It's a little something I call the "Job Jar".

I've written down all of the things that need to be done around here on a daily basis - from emptying the dishwasher right through to cleaning up the dog poop outside - and I've put them in a jar. The plan is that every morning, EVERYONE in the family picks one slip out of the jar and is responsible for that job all day (no trading!) - that means 3 less things for me to do everyday (though I'll still be responsible for the rest). It's a Good Start.

*Hopefully* it will be 2 slips soon...

*update* : It's working :) - J (my youngest) is SO eager to help that she takes a slip, does the task and comes back asking for another! C on the other hand will DO the chore... but requires help and supervision because she doesn't like to do the "nasty" jobs like taking out the garbage and recycling. *sigh* Also? I don't think C has even taken a slip yet - but I DID get help cleaning up yesterday. YAY!

I think I am... I think I am...

Well, I think I *might* be.

Pregnant, that is.

With symptoms already ranging from SORE breasts to nasty gas to being soooo tired... which is kinda crazy considering I can't even reliably pee on a stick for another 6 days - that said, I simply can't come up with another reason for the symptoms.

I know I'm talking about it *too* early, if indeed pregnancy is what the symptoms mean - but I didn't talk about it at ALL last time and I think I really needed to. So, for those of you that will put up with it, I WILL be blogging about it... the ups and (hopefully not) downs. Cathartic, it is.

If I am, I hope and pray that it's not ectopic this time. Third time lucky?

If I'm not... well, I guess we'll just have to keep trying :)

To clean, or not to clean?

That is a Very Good Question.

Do you clean up for company? I think that most people do, depending on the definition of "company" and the definition of "clean".

Chris's Dad and his stepmom were going to come over today. His Dad to see the house for the first time. I was freaking out because there is dust and the carpets are dirty and the bathrooms aren't absolutely clean and the windows need washing and the basement's a mess and Mike forbid... there are DISHES on the counter in the kitchen. Here's the thing though - I don't worry about it when someone just drops by. I mean... I DO, but since there really isn't anything that can be done about it in the moment, I don't worry about it, y'know?

Our house is neither gross, nor is it a Palace of Clean. We work, we have kids... the house gets cleaned when we have the time and are so inclined. BUT. When it's not clean I stress about it. "What will they think if they come by and it's a mess"... or "OMG what a disgusting mess" (when really it's a couple of things laying around). I can hear my mother's voice in the back of my head after visiting a house that isn't pristine ... "Oh, what a mess that house was... why doesn't she clean it"... always blaming the wife or mother for the "work" not being done. WHY have I taken this on in my life? I didn't used to care... much ;) How do I lose this guilt? Rid myself of the unwanted compulsion to judge my own space?

What about you?

More of a journal entry than...

Hello :)

We decided awhile back (like, a year and a half) that we wanted to have a baby. I now want to get properly pregnant. I think that prior to this, I just wanted a baby... have been frustrated with ectopic (tubal) pregnancies, emergency surgeries and the general frustration of last year... but now i actually WANT to get properly pregnant and have a successful pregnancy and healthy baby. For some reason, "girl" keeps coming to mind when I think about this. Is that because I have 2 girls? Or is it the universe telling me that it will be another girl? Odd, this - especially considering that I have always wanted to have a boy.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately is travelling. A LOT. I need a vacation... preferably somewhere warm - or if not, then somewhere I speak the language: Chris has been dreaming of Montmartre, which would be amazing this time of year. Still, an all inclusive with a flying trapeze and water sports and laying on the beach with a trashy vacation novel would be nice. Time will be an issue until the girls are out of school...

And finishing the house.

There are so many things on my mind these days that writing them down becomes difficult, which is probably why I haven't been here since February.

We need to find the time and money to:

Vacation (NOT stay-cation)
Fence and landscape the back yard
Install hardwood so that the dog/cat/kid grossness is easier to clean
FINISH THE DAMN BASEMENT so that we can get the office out of the bedroom (SO important)

... but there needs to be an order to it all - and of course a budget for each project.

Baby steps, right? First up: fence... it's the least expensive and most practical for the $ right now. Also? It would be really nice to be able to let the dog run free :).

I have to be honest here - I've thought about building all of this stuff one 2x4 at a time - no kidding! $3/day, one 2x4 closer to finishing the framing. It would be kinda cool (and i'm only saying this 'cause I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog) to build the basement on the sly... to one day have him come home to me moving the girl's rooms and laugh at the query on his brow. It'd be pretty fun - and I could probably pull it off. He leaves for work at 8am and rarely gets home before 8pm - that gives me at LEAST 2 hours a day in which to do it. *hmm*. The tricky bit would be getting the drywall downstairs without attracting attention, 'cause that would definitely be something I would need help lifting. Oh, and the bathroom. I'm not a plumber and he may notice the big chunk of $ gone... but other than that, he rarely goes downstairs. Teehee.

I *may* just do this.

Dear Olympics Protestors...

The time to protest the Olympics in Vancouver is well past.

We had a vote. The MAJORITY of the people that voted, voted YES.

The end.

I understand that you wish that those monies had gone to social programs, and I get that. I really do.

I understand that you feel frustrated by the outlay of monies into something that will "only last for 2 weeks". I do.

BUT.

The monies have been spent and the Olympics are HERE in just a few days. The look of excitement on my kid's faces as the torch passed them and they got to shake the hand of the person carrying the torch was priceless.

The opportunity that hosting the world can bring to Vancouver is unmatched. The recognition of Vancouver as a world-class city will not only bring tourists, but money along with those tourists. We WILL see an influx during the Olympics and if we treat the visitors well, the after effects of the Olympics will be long-lasting and far reaching as our economy improves BECAUSE of this influx; and with that improvement, more monies will be funneled into social programs and again MORE people will benefit, and so on... much like what happened after Expo '86 - also a much-questioned world event hosted by Vancouver.

Please behave. Your protests will only serve to hurt us as a whole. The time for opposition has passed. Please join the majority and help us to invite the world in celebrating Canada, our Athletes, and our most beautiful city. After all... isn't that why you live here? Isn't that why ALL of us live here?