Strap in, this could get rough...

I've tried writing a number of times over the past few weeks, unsuccessfully. I'm taking another shot at it now, so please bear with me - this may end up as more of a stream of consciousness.

As many of you know my Gramma died June 8th. I got the call as I was getting off the ferry to have a fun weekend with friends. THAT didn't happen. That weekend feels like a million years ago now. I've been feeling more or less useless for the past couple of years, and it's finally caught up with me. I NEED to break out of the cycle that started 7 or 8 years ago; causing my personal scope to get smaller and ever smaller, to the point where I have felt a bit like a bird in a gilded cage. I have everything I need; except close (local) friends, a sense of purpose and personal value... so I guess I really DON'T have everything I need. I want so very much from my life and I'm kind of feeling like I'm stuck on a rock in the middle of the ocean right now... which, of course, I am. My career, my expertise, my knowledge, background and experience go entirely unregarded here because although there IS a community for what I do, it's primarily rooted in amateur/community situations. I miss feeling valued for something other than cooking, cleaning, laundry and childminding. Please don't take away the impression that I MIND any of this - it's just that that's it. That's It. The bitch of it all is that I can look back and clearly see each and every personal choice that led me here - and I know that I did, each step of the way, the right thing. But I think that maybe many of those steps weren't the right thing for me.

So I've been trying to have THE CONVERSATION with the hubby. It's been bits and pieces over the last month or so... but never one sit-down because he's not been home, still isn't, in fact. Consequently, I've felt unheard and unimportant, except to my old "city" friends, one in particular, that I have thankfully had the opportunity to spend a bit of (though not nearly enough) time with. Here's the thing. When I went over the first time to have a weekend, I went over without making any plans - just loaded my phone with everyone's numbers, intent on surprising people. I got one call in, then my phone died; along with all of the phone numbers and/or contact info I had with me. At that point, I saw my charger, very clearly, sitting on the kitchen counter at home... when I went over the second time it was only for an afternoon and evening, I got a pissy phone call from my parents (wtf?) essentially asking what the hell I was doing and why I wasn't with my Family. These things have left me feeling like I don't GET to have time on my own - that I'm somehow not entitled to have relationships outside of home. Not only do I think that's not right; I also feel like I need to somehow ensure SOME support from those that are closest to me. So how do I get that? How? Seriously?

I am now looking for work in Arts Admin/Mgmt in Vancouver AND on the island - it'll be in Victoria or Vancouver that I find it - either way, it's a commute - and there are (obviously) other consequences that need to be taken into consideration along with (and as a result of) the time that will be spent away. It's a slow process. A slow and difficult one, wrought with guilt, freedom, conscience and awareness that I'm backtracking - but only a bit. Only to a place where I can feel good again - what will the cost be? I've been told by those closest to me that I *should* go back to school (AGAIN???) and retrain - maybe as a graphic designer or photographer because "I like doing that", right? I don't WANT to retrain and I shouldn't HAVE to; but it seems that retraining is the only other option if I stay put. Nanaimo is FULL of all KINDS of opportunities for me - as long as I want to work in retail.

Damn it, I shouldn't HAVE to give up everything I've worked towards over the past 12 years.

Should I?

New Beginnings

I'm taking some for me. Which is odd and scary, different and nearly entirely alien to me at this point in my life. Sarah has inspired me, my old friends that it has taken entirely too long to connect with again have inspired me, Al gave me a kick in the behind, which is where I needed it.

While my girls will always be my first priority, I have finally made it onto my own list, ranking #2 (only behind my kids),thank you very much.

YAY ME!

Gramma

This was her, for anyone interested.

The catching of breath

You know that feeling? The one where it feels like there's a bubble stuck in the back of your throat and your heart feels like it is pounding so hard it might leave your chest? It comes when you hear bad news, or in that moment where you don't quite know where your child is, or when your heart leaps at the thought of a loved one. You know the one I mean.

I've nearly caught my breath. Events have conspired in one way and another to maintain that bubble, and the leaping heart and all of those feelings for what must be weeks now. But I've nearly caught my breath.

The Rules

These rules came to me from a friend. I like them enough to share them.

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11. Don't judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Say "God bless you" when you hear someone sneeze, even if you don't believe... they might.

16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson .

17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

21. Spend some time alone.


A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

Grief.

A girl should never have to see her Grampa cry. Not ever.

After a surgery that should have taken 3 hours and instead took 9, after a recovery that should have taken a week but ended in 4, my dear, sweet Gramma died of congestive heart failure on Friday at 3:30. It was peaceful and she had a chance to say goodbye to Grampa - without the knowledge that that is what it was. She was 90 - to be 91 in August.

She was also fun, loved horses (was a trick rider for awhile, actually), made the best syrup sandwiches, sneaked us dinner before we went home for dinner, loved gardening and her flowers (especially her glads), gave me my love of sweetpeas, secretly smoked until 4 years ago when she decided that she was sick of hiding it (no, not kidding), made sure my Grampa knew what was what, and BOY could she stand there with her hands on her hips. She was little, only 5'1".

And I miss her.

I drove out to Mom and Dad's early in the morning on Sunday. I was fine. I had checked out a bit since the phone call. I reached the exit off-ramp, and that was it. I had to pull the car over because I don't think I could have seen 2 feet in front of me for the waves of misery that had bathed me. Mom answered the door. I've never seen her cry out loud before. Not really. Not from her very being.

But the hardest part of all of this was going to see my amazing Grampa. He's 101 and now, after 76 years of marriage, he's on his own. I went with my Dad. Grampa's eyes filled with tears when he saw me, saying only "Please take me out of here, I'm going to go crazy".

Contemplation

For a crazy while yesterday I was contemplating shearing off the locks. It's been so warm and summer-like and The Hair was just getting way too hot. Then there's today. I woke up FREEZING because I had removed blankets, thinking summer was on its way. Um, oops?

Work has become more challenging recently due to my introduction to Facebook (now crackbook). That thing is insane. I'm loving the contact with my friends - but who are the rest of these people?

I think I shall go and curl up by my fire now. With a blanket. In June.

Good grief.

June

This is beginning to look like a very busy month. School's going to be out soon... maybe too soon? Hubby's going to be away (after he's finished teaching) for very nearly 2 weeks sailing and teaching workshops for Theatre BC... so much to think about! I'm wondering if my parents might like to take the kids for a weekend (like the first w'end after school's out if you're reading this, Mom), perhaps giving me some rather illusive time to myself!

Other news? My Gramma's in Hospital. She seems to be getting better, which is good - I'm sure my Grampa is looking forward to having her home again.

That's it for updates. Sad, isn't it?

it's the FIRST!

Alsoplus? Check out your horoscope!

er...

Perhaps this week has gotten away with me a bit (oops!). But NOW it's Friday, I'm absolutely sleep deprived, but it's been a pretty amazing week.