After a crazy couple of weeks wherein I did not breathe, I have found my ability to exhale. It came along with the words "You're in the clear - no need to worry".
What I *do* have is a cluster of cysts - that will, apparently, go away on their own. They are not dangerous, they are not malignant, they are not ... anything. I offer praise to the medical professionals that have put up with my fear and anxiety - and who have also gotten me through this craziness. It also kicked my butt into gear regarding my terrible procrastination in finding a GP.
I have nothing but thanks for all of you - your support, words of kindness and encouragement and the personal stories you have shared with me about your journeys.
Thank you.
I would now like a very large serving of alcohol.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I found a ... lump.
I've decided that I want to chronicle my journey and share it with those who have either experienced it, in the hope of finding support; or with those who haven't experienced it, so that it may be of some help to you if anyone you know does experience it. This is the first installment.
I found a lump. Those are probably 4 of the hardest words I have had to say out loud.
When doing a breast self-examination (something that I do, but not nearly regularly enough) two days ago, my fingers probing and circling, they sensed a bump. I kept going with the examination thinking "nah, couldn't be" until I came back to the spot that my now over-sensitive finger tips found immediately. My mind reeled. I went and lay down on the bed to check again, only horizontal - nothing. What the...?!? (relief washing over me)... until I stood up again, and once again found the (no denying it now) lump. Small and round-ish, hard and (what is that sensation?) painful. Ow! Stop touching it!
Denial.
This can't be. What... ? And my fingers found it yet again. Fear washed over me - maybe this is just a menstrual thing - maybe I banged it... it hurts, after all. Internet. Google save me. Shit. I have to go to the doctor. I don't HAVE a doctor. She died. Shit.
Okay. It's NOT irregular. Good. It doesn't move around though - bad. Try to breathe. Ignore it.
Ignore it!
What about my girls? Who's going to look after them? PANIC! I have to... what? Do what?
Tell Chris. I have to tell Chris. How am I going to tell him?!? (blurting) "I found a lump".
"When's your appointment?"
"I haven't set one"
"When are you going to call the Doctor"
"I don't know"
Wake up Day 2. First thought: I have a lump.
Get up, shower, get ready for work - hand wandered to the lump about 5 billion times in the process...
I have to find a Doctor. Now.
At work - distracted - come home... yup, it's still there. Shit. Has it changed? Has it moved? Disappeared? Damn.
Okay. Internet save me. Google: "GPs in Langley" - big list promising lots of Doctors taking patients. I start calling. Office after office tells me that no, they're not taking patients... there are no new Doctors in the area - I should go to the walk-in. After 2 hours of this, I finally confessed to the poor receptionist on the other end of the line that I have a lump. I broke down in tears (poor woman handled it amazingly well). She very softly suggested that I go immediately to the Walk In Clinic by London Drugs - that the Doc there is fantastic and she reassured me that it may be nothing, but that it really does need to be checked out. Immediately if not sooner. Thank you for your brief friendship.
Dressed, face washed, (mostly) good to go I head to the Clinic. The receptionist there said that the wait could be up to an hour - I said "no problem"... she looked puzzled. In reality, I probably waited less than 15 minutes.
The Doctor (Esmail) was so kind. He was calm, gentle and reassuring - until I wanted to hit him for repeatedly pushing on the lump - - it hurt! He spoke to me about the size and shape, the options available for both benign and malignant (did he say malignant - jeebus) tumours (gulp) and ordered a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy.
I'm still freaking out - mostly what I want is a hug and some reassurance... touch, laughter, relief - but the next step is planned and (hopefully) soon to be scheduled. I will update because I want to share this experience. I don't want to lock it away in a closet - the air and sunlight are healing.
I found a lump. Those are probably 4 of the hardest words I have had to say out loud.
When doing a breast self-examination (something that I do, but not nearly regularly enough) two days ago, my fingers probing and circling, they sensed a bump. I kept going with the examination thinking "nah, couldn't be" until I came back to the spot that my now over-sensitive finger tips found immediately. My mind reeled. I went and lay down on the bed to check again, only horizontal - nothing. What the...?!? (relief washing over me)... until I stood up again, and once again found the (no denying it now) lump. Small and round-ish, hard and (what is that sensation?) painful. Ow! Stop touching it!
Denial.
This can't be. What... ? And my fingers found it yet again. Fear washed over me - maybe this is just a menstrual thing - maybe I banged it... it hurts, after all. Internet. Google save me. Shit. I have to go to the doctor. I don't HAVE a doctor. She died. Shit.
Okay. It's NOT irregular. Good. It doesn't move around though - bad. Try to breathe. Ignore it.
Ignore it!
What about my girls? Who's going to look after them? PANIC! I have to... what? Do what?
Tell Chris. I have to tell Chris. How am I going to tell him?!? (blurting) "I found a lump".
"When's your appointment?"
"I haven't set one"
"When are you going to call the Doctor"
"I don't know"
Wake up Day 2. First thought: I have a lump.
Get up, shower, get ready for work - hand wandered to the lump about 5 billion times in the process...
I have to find a Doctor. Now.
At work - distracted - come home... yup, it's still there. Shit. Has it changed? Has it moved? Disappeared? Damn.
Okay. Internet save me. Google: "GPs in Langley" - big list promising lots of Doctors taking patients. I start calling. Office after office tells me that no, they're not taking patients... there are no new Doctors in the area - I should go to the walk-in. After 2 hours of this, I finally confessed to the poor receptionist on the other end of the line that I have a lump. I broke down in tears (poor woman handled it amazingly well). She very softly suggested that I go immediately to the Walk In Clinic by London Drugs - that the Doc there is fantastic and she reassured me that it may be nothing, but that it really does need to be checked out. Immediately if not sooner. Thank you for your brief friendship.
Dressed, face washed, (mostly) good to go I head to the Clinic. The receptionist there said that the wait could be up to an hour - I said "no problem"... she looked puzzled. In reality, I probably waited less than 15 minutes.
The Doctor (Esmail) was so kind. He was calm, gentle and reassuring - until I wanted to hit him for repeatedly pushing on the lump - - it hurt! He spoke to me about the size and shape, the options available for both benign and malignant (did he say malignant - jeebus) tumours (gulp) and ordered a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy.
I'm still freaking out - mostly what I want is a hug and some reassurance... touch, laughter, relief - but the next step is planned and (hopefully) soon to be scheduled. I will update because I want to share this experience. I don't want to lock it away in a closet - the air and sunlight are healing.
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