Post Urban Suburbanite

And.... breathe out

2011-08-25T19:16:00.001-07:00

After a crazy couple of weeks wherein I did not breathe, I have found my ability to exhale. It came along with the words "You're in the clear - no need to worry".

What I *do* have is a cluster of cysts - that will, apparently, go away on their own. They are not dangerous, they are not malignant, they are not ... anything. I offer praise to the medical professionals that have put up with my fear and anxiety - and who have also gotten me through this craziness. It also kicked my butt into gear regarding my terrible procrastination in finding a GP.

I have nothing but thanks for all of you - your support, words of kindness and encouragement and the personal stories you have shared with me about your journeys.

Thank you.

I would now like a very large serving of alcohol.

I found a ... lump.

2011-08-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I want to chronicle my journey and share it with those who have either experienced it, in the hope of finding support; or with those who haven't experienced it, so that it may be of some help to you if anyone you know does experience it. This is the first installment.

I found a lump. Those are probably 4 of the hardest words I have had to say out loud.

When doing a breast self-examination (something that I do, but not nearly regularly enough) two days ago, my fingers probing and circling, they sensed a bump. I kept going with the examination thinking "nah, couldn't be" until I came back to the spot that my now over-sensitive finger tips found immediately. My mind reeled. I went and lay down on the bed to check again, only horizontal - nothing. What the...?!? (relief washing over me)... until I stood up again, and once again found the (no denying it now) lump. Small and round-ish, hard and (what is that sensation?) painful. Ow! Stop touching it!

Denial.

This can't be. What... ? And my fingers found it yet again. Fear washed over me - maybe this is just a menstrual thing - maybe I banged it... it hurts, after all. Internet. Google save me. Shit. I have to go to the doctor. I don't HAVE a doctor. She died. Shit.

Okay. It's NOT irregular. Good. It doesn't move around though - bad. Try to breathe. Ignore it.

Ignore it!

What about my girls? Who's going to look after them? PANIC! I have to... what? Do what?

Tell Chris. I have to tell Chris. How am I going to tell him?!? (blurting) "I found a lump".

"When's your appointment?"
"I haven't set one"
"When are you going to call the Doctor"
"I don't know"

Wake up Day 2. First thought: I have a lump.

Get up, shower, get ready for work - hand wandered to the lump about 5 billion times in the process...

I have to find a Doctor. Now.

At work - distracted - come home... yup, it's still there. Shit. Has it changed? Has it moved? Disappeared? Damn.

Okay. Internet save me. Google: "GPs in Langley" - big list promising lots of Doctors taking patients. I start calling. Office after office tells me that no, they're not taking patients... there are no new Doctors in the area - I should go to the walk-in. After 2 hours of this, I finally confessed to the poor receptionist on the other end of the line that I have a lump. I broke down in tears (poor woman handled it amazingly well). She very softly suggested that I go immediately to the Walk In Clinic by London Drugs - that the Doc there is fantastic and she reassured me that it may be nothing, but that it really does need to be checked out. Immediately if not sooner. Thank you for your brief friendship.

Dressed, face washed, (mostly) good to go I head to the Clinic. The receptionist there said that the wait could be up to an hour - I said "no problem"... she looked puzzled. In reality, I probably waited less than 15 minutes.

The Doctor (Esmail) was so kind. He was calm, gentle and reassuring - until I wanted to hit him for repeatedly pushing on the lump - - it hurt! He spoke to me about the size and shape, the options available for both benign and malignant (did he say malignant - jeebus) tumours (gulp) and ordered a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy.

I'm still freaking out - mostly what I want is a hug and some reassurance... touch, laughter, relief - but the next step is planned and (hopefully) soon to be scheduled. I will update because I want to share this experience. I don't want to lock it away in a closet - the air and sunlight are healing.

The end of another year...

2010-12-16T21:08:00.000-08:00

I hope that the resolutions that I make as I end this year truly make a difference in my life in the year to come. I've spent the past few days thinking about the last year and finding myself disappointed in my reaction to me. The theme for this year seems very much to have been that I'm not good enough. Negative tomes seem to have invaded my thought processes and I need to find a way to change these things: I'm fat/I'm boring/I'm a burden/I'm unattractive/I don't have the 'right' clothes/I'm not good enough/I don't have enough... money... ambition... will power... you name it.

I need to spend the next couple of weeks (that I'm taking off of work) finding a way to change my negative thought patterns and realize... TRULY realize that I AM good enough for me and anyone that cares to spend time with me.

I think that good, regular sleep will help - I also think that finding time for more regular exercise will help (possibly even with the sleep).

So long story short:

My resolution for the New Year is to take it easy on me. To be the best I *can* be and to spend more time trying new things.

From my friend, the Cheesefairy...

2010-07-20T15:42:00.000-07:00

A brief intro: I can't do Cheesefairy's writing justice. She has more talent in her nail clippings than I do in my entire body. That said, the following is her most recent post - one I identify with more than I can say. Reproduced on this page with her expressed permission. For more Cheesefairy, please visit her site

Controversunday: That New York Times Article

I have a love/hate thing with parenting articles. On the one hand, I think they’re often more divisive than informative. They imply that someone is doing it RIGHT and the other guys are doing it WRONG.

On the other hand, I also watch America’s Next Top Model from time to time. So I read it, this article in the New York Times about how Parents Hate Parenting and then I read a bazillion blog posts about the article and then it was Controversunday, which is a Sunday meme where people can write about the same topic and IT was about the article so I thought I’d run my mouth off a bit.

Look, it’s a badge. It came from here and the hostess of Controversunday is Our Lady of Perpetual Breadcrumbs and I first discovered this meme through A moment to think and is that it? Am I done crediting people? I don’t know what I”m doing here. Halp!

The New York Times Article talks to a bunch of people about their experiences parenting, reporting that parenting is not as rosy and glowy as we would believe. It sounded to me like she was saying, “What are we doing wrong, that we’re not enjoying this wonderful experience?”

Which left me wondering – Who said it was a wonderful experience? Like, a wholesale, wonderful experience without warts? I don’t expect to completely enjoy any experience, let alone something as complicated as creating, bearing, and raising another human being.

We struggle, in our house, with our happiness. Because often, the children get in the way of what we want. What we want:

1. quiet
2. time

Every time we practice expressing our disappointment, getting over it, having a good day anyway, we grow. We become better versions of ourselves. We become more patient, more kind, more knowledgeable. Every day we survive as parents makes us better people. Not better people than you. Better people than we were yesterday.

Parenthood isn’t about happiness from chocolate cake. It’s about happiness from personal growth.

The article makes it sound like there are people who decide to have a child based on whether they think that a child would…bring them this happiness? Like the waiter brings you your food? Naturally, those people are disappointed when the child brings chaos instead.

(That’s not what I ordered! Should I have had the Harvey Wallbanger instead of the Sidecar? Would I be happier?)

The thing about any external change to a situation is: it’s external. It can neither bring, nor deny you happiness. If you were happy before, you will strive for happiness despite the change.* If you were unhappy before, you will continue to be unhappy, despite the change. Much as a Big Frouffy Wedding! will not change the fact that you don’t love your partner, a Big Beautiful Baby! will not change the fact that you don’t like your life.

* with an exception made for post partum depression and other mental illnesses

Children are not a mirror. They are a magnifying glass. They make everything bigger; louder, messier, funnier, weirder, more stressful, more exciting. And so, they bring your issues into sharp relief. They make you face your shit.

Is that going to make you happier?
Is it going to make you happier, right now, to know that you have some shit you’ve not been facing?
Is it going to make you happier, right now, to look at that shit, up close and very large?

No, no, and no.

But when you’ve dealt with, faced, and moved on from your shit, you will be happier. You will understand your anger or your fear or your pain, at the root, you will have looked at these demons, at their teeth and claws and warts and you will know you have met them where they live. You will be happier for having done the work, whether or not you are a parent.

I am still doing this work. Every day. That is what sucks about parenting. It’s work. (and it’s every day) But it’s work that, if you do it right, makes you a better person. That’s what I want from my life; it might not be what everyone else in the world wants. So I would say yes, I am happy to be a parent and I am happy to work at parenting every day, and I am happy I got the kids I got, but being their parent doesn’t make me happy.

Being me makes me happy. My kids have their own jobs to do.

Chocolate Chip Cookies and my new website!

2010-07-12T22:04:00.000-07:00

Made chocolate chip cookies tonight for the first time in AGES! Man, they're yummy :)

375 degree oven
Makes about 3 dozen or so

1c butter
3/4 c brown sugar
1/2 c white sugar
blend until really creamy, then add:
1 egg
2 tsp vanilla
blend well, then add:
1 3/4 c flour (I use white flour, unbleached)
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
blend until mixed, add
1 1/2 c chocolate chips
mix until they're pretty evenly distributed.

drop by teaspoonful (yeah, right) onto baking sheets and bake for about 10 minutes

alsoplus?

Come visit me! www.shelleybilodeau.com

:)

Summer

2010-06-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe that another summer has arrived. I am also finding it very hard to believe that the girls have only 3 1/2 days of school left. I am soon to be the Mom of a little girl who, impossibly, has become a grade six-er, and another who will enter grade 3. How does this happen?

Is it just me, or does time seem to pass more quickly as we get older?

I can physically remember the long days of summer as a child. The never ending days and long, warm nights. They seemed to last forever. I remember going back to school and seeing how much everyone had changed over the summer. Most notably, my friend Paula. She left for her summer vacation after grade 7 a slightly chubby flat-chested homely girl and came back to grade 8 taller, slimmer and gorgeous. HOW does that happen in the space of 9 weeks?

I am both looking forward to and dreading when this happens to my girls. Granted, it will be a gradual process that I will witness nearly every day... but still.

My oldest is becoming an absolute knock-out. My youngest has lost her baby look and is a beautiful little girl.

When I think about these things, I wonder where life will take them... will they have an easy life, full of joy and happiness? Will things become difficult for them as they grow older? We all go through the horrible high school years full of angst and finding ourselves... but will I be able to help them to see that regardless of how they feel in that moment, things can and will always be better?

There isn't enough time. Never enough time to spend with them ... be myself with them, without the worries of house cleaning, work, getting stuff done, getting ready for this or that, hurrying to the next thing, feeding them and guiding them through their bumps. At times this makes me feel slightly panicked... but like high school, it will resolve to other questions such as "How will they remember me?".

These questions have been brought to the forefront lately. I have had 3 friends (all Mothers) die in the last month. Cancer. THEY WERE MY AGE!!! It's not fair - not fair that they were taken so early; not fair that their children will be left without them.

Anyway.

Summer - it's here... I shall try my best to spend my time wisely.

June 8

2010-06-07T11:49:00.001-07:00

3 years ago today, I met a friend that I hadn't seen in nearly 10 years on a beach that I hadn't been on in more than 4 years. We had communicated using social networking sites for quite some time... which led to nightly messenger conversations that kept us both up long past our bedtimes.

Today we're living together in a house we bought together, hoping to have a successful pregnancy and to bring together my children with our child(ren).

It is times like this that remind me that all of the noise and hassle of everyday life are minuscule compared to the luck and love I have in my Best Friend and Lover. We share a connection that is very special, and I think more than a bit unusual.

On that evening on the beach, we sat closer than friends should and talked until well after the sun went down about new things and old things and everything that had happened in our lives since we had last said good bye. Neither one of us wanted to part company, so we didn't.

There have been a great many ups and downs in the years between then and now, but the one constant has been each other.

I love you, baby. Thank you for everything that you bring to my life.

The noise in my head

2010-05-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get that? The noisy/static-y confusion that happens when there is too much to do and everything, regardless of what you do to appease the gods of crazy-making, just piles up?

I'm there.

Again.

The noise in my head is getting too loud. So loud in fact, that I don't even know where to start.

The sensible part of me is shouting "Just start somewhere... put the dishes in the dishwasher"(for example)... but the unreasonable part is saying... "okay, but what about the big issues that are pending at work... what about the birthday party... the laundry... what about everything else that ISN'T the dishes"?

So I've said STOP. And now I'm writing about it with the hope that seeing the words written down will calm the crazy.

I need to write a list; a list with 2 columns: side one will be everything that needs doing and side two will be everything that needs doing that I can't do anything about until I hear back/the other guy does his bit/hell freezes over. Maybe... just maybe that will appease the gods of crazy-making. For now.

*update*: The list is made. Turns out that some of the things that I didn't realize were important are. Like setting up my office stuff outside of my bedroom. SOON. I need it to be organized. It also turns out that I have WAY more to do than can be accomplished in a day... or even a week... without help. One thing at a time. Those check marks will feel good. As will getting the stuff off of the "things I can't do anything about right now" list. Clarity is helping... but not as much as 2 more people, 8 more arms, an unlimited budget and time to myself would. Ooo - there's another one for the "today" list: buy a LottoMax ticket :)

*update 2*My boobs are hurting again. Is this a new ovulation thing? Anyone else out there experience pregnancy-like boob swelling and pain during ovulation?

Yay me :)

2010-05-07T13:04:00.000-07:00

I had a fantastic birthday. I woke up in the BEST mood and felt "light" all day. I went to meetings and told people that it was my birthday (see previous post). They responded with heartfelt "happy birthdays" and it made my day even brighter! Dozens of wishes on FB lifted my mood even more.

Chris picked up the girls because my last meeting wasn't going to be over until after 2:30 (their normal pick-up time)... I texted him when I was done and wanted to surprise them all with a blizzard (yum!)... but I didn't hear back, so I went to DQ anyway. Got home... no one here. Not even the dog. Odd. Called them twice (cell)... no answer. Perplexed now. Put the blizzards in the freezer and got out of my suit. Just as I came downstairs, my lovely people came home with a big bouquet of flowers for me! Chris made a lovely dinner and my parents and sister came over with birthday cake for dessert!.

All in all a wonderful day. Thank you all - I love you!

Gosh...

2010-05-04T17:45:00.001-07:00

it's my birthday tomorrow.

That's got me thinking (shocking, I know). Is everyone as shy as me about telling people that it's their birthday? To me, it seems (rude/attention getting/compliment mongering/immodest/blatant) odd for ME to tell people that it's my birthday. I certainly don't feel that way when others let it be known that it's THEIR birthday.

I have this crazy ideal when it comes to me though.

I can't stand not being GREAT at something ... the FIRST TIME I DO IT. Isn't that nuts? ... but again, not something that I criticize in other people - in fact, quite the opposite. I will spend a lot of time encouraging people big and small to keep trying, that they can't possibly expect perfection the first time.

So what is it? Why do I set impossibly high standards for myself that are, frankly, inhuman?

I think that this birthday year I'm going to try working on that. Try to get to a place where I don't expect perfection from me. I will still do my best, but I will work on not being so hard on myself. That may go a long way toward lowering my stress level and probably the stress of the people around me.

Happy Birthday, Me. Take it easy on yourself!

Disappointment

2010-05-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

So... either I was reading my body's signals wrong (unlikely), or I was and now I'm not.

That made me sad last week.

... but I'm certainly up for trying again! On a positive note? It (if it existed) wasn't ectopic :)

It Works!

2010-04-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

I Hope...

Between work and home, I've been finding that home especially has been getting a wee bit overwhelming... cleaning, laundry, being responsible for the lives and welfare of 3 other people... y'know. Home, in and of itself isn't SO bad if it's the ONLY thing... but add onto it the schedule of a self-employed person and it gets crazy.

So yesterday I decided that I had to do something about it. I've said it before, and tried it before in various incarnations: but this time it might stick. It's a little something I call the "Job Jar".

I've written down all of the things that need to be done around here on a daily basis - from emptying the dishwasher right through to cleaning up the dog poop outside - and I've put them in a jar. The plan is that every morning, EVERYONE in the family picks one slip out of the jar and is responsible for that job all day (no trading!) - that means 3 less things for me to do everyday (though I'll still be responsible for the rest). It's a Good Start.

*Hopefully* it will be 2 slips soon...

*update* : It's working :) - J (my youngest) is SO eager to help that she takes a slip, does the task and comes back asking for another! C on the other hand will DO the chore... but requires help and supervision because she doesn't like to do the "nasty" jobs like taking out the garbage and recycling. *sigh* Also? I don't think C has even taken a slip yet - but I DID get help cleaning up yesterday. YAY!

I think I am... I think I am...

2010-04-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I *might* be.

Pregnant, that is.

With symptoms already ranging from SORE breasts to nasty gas to being soooo tired... which is kinda crazy considering I can't even reliably pee on a stick for another 6 days - that said, I simply can't come up with another reason for the symptoms.

I know I'm talking about it *too* early, if indeed pregnancy is what the symptoms mean - but I didn't talk about it at ALL last time and I think I really needed to. So, for those of you that will put up with it, I WILL be blogging about it... the ups and (hopefully not) downs. Cathartic, it is.

If I am, I hope and pray that it's not ectopic this time. Third time lucky?

If I'm not... well, I guess we'll just have to keep trying :)

To clean, or not to clean?

2010-04-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

That is a Very Good Question.

Do you clean up for company? I think that most people do, depending on the definition of "company" and the definition of "clean".

Chris's Dad and his stepmom were going to come over today. His Dad to see the house for the first time. I was freaking out because there is dust and the carpets are dirty and the bathrooms aren't absolutely clean and the windows need washing and the basement's a mess and Mike forbid... there are DISHES on the counter in the kitchen. Here's the thing though - I don't worry about it when someone just drops by. I mean... I DO, but since there really isn't anything that can be done about it in the moment, I don't worry about it, y'know?

Our house is neither gross, nor is it a Palace of Clean. We work, we have kids... the house gets cleaned when we have the time and are so inclined. BUT. When it's not clean I stress about it. "What will they think if they come by and it's a mess"... or "OMG what a disgusting mess" (when really it's a couple of things laying around). I can hear my mother's voice in the back of my head after visiting a house that isn't pristine ... "Oh, what a mess that house was... why doesn't she clean it"... always blaming the wife or mother for the "work" not being done. WHY have I taken this on in my life? I didn't used to care... much ;) How do I lose this guilt? Rid myself of the unwanted compulsion to judge my own space?

What about you?

More of a journal entry than...

2010-04-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

Hello :)

We decided awhile back (like, a year and a half) that we wanted to have a baby. I now want to get properly pregnant. I think that prior to this, I just wanted a baby... have been frustrated with ectopic (tubal) pregnancies, emergency surgeries and the general frustration of last year... but now i actually WANT to get properly pregnant and have a successful pregnancy and healthy baby. For some reason, "girl" keeps coming to mind when I think about this. Is that because I have 2 girls? Or is it the universe telling me that it will be another girl? Odd, this - especially considering that I have always wanted to have a boy.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately is travelling. A LOT. I need a vacation... preferably somewhere warm - or if not, then somewhere I speak the language: Chris has been dreaming of Montmartre, which would be amazing this time of year. Still, an all inclusive with a flying trapeze and water sports and laying on the beach with a trashy vacation novel would be nice. Time will be an issue until the girls are out of school...

And finishing the house.

There are so many things on my mind these days that writing them down becomes difficult, which is probably why I haven't been here since February.

We need to find the time and money to:

Vacation (NOT stay-cation)
Fence and landscape the back yard
Install hardwood so that the dog/cat/kid grossness is easier to clean
FINISH THE DAMN BASEMENT so that we can get the office out of the bedroom (SO important)

... but there needs to be an order to it all - and of course a budget for each project.

Baby steps, right? First up: fence... it's the least expensive and most practical for the $ right now. Also? It would be really nice to be able to let the dog run free :).

I have to be honest here - I've thought about building all of this stuff one 2x4 at a time - no kidding! $3/day, one 2x4 closer to finishing the framing. It would be kinda cool (and i'm only saying this 'cause I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this blog) to build the basement on the sly... to one day have him come home to me moving the girl's rooms and laugh at the query on his brow. It'd be pretty fun - and I could probably pull it off. He leaves for work at 8am and rarely gets home before 8pm - that gives me at LEAST 2 hours a day in which to do it. *hmm*. The tricky bit would be getting the drywall downstairs without attracting attention, 'cause that would definitely be something I would need help lifting. Oh, and the bathroom. I'm not a plumber and he may notice the big chunk of $ gone... but other than that, he rarely goes downstairs. Teehee.

I *may* just do this.

Dear Olympics Protestors...

2010-02-09T11:07:00.000-08:00

The time to protest the Olympics in Vancouver is well past.

We had a vote. The MAJORITY of the people that voted, voted YES.

The end.

I understand that you wish that those monies had gone to social programs, and I get that. I really do.

I understand that you feel frustrated by the outlay of monies into something that will "only last for 2 weeks". I do.

BUT.

The monies have been spent and the Olympics are HERE in just a few days. The look of excitement on my kid's faces as the torch passed them and they got to shake the hand of the person carrying the torch was priceless.

The opportunity that hosting the world can bring to Vancouver is unmatched. The recognition of Vancouver as a world-class city will not only bring tourists, but money along with those tourists. We WILL see an influx during the Olympics and if we treat the visitors well, the after effects of the Olympics will be long-lasting and far reaching as our economy improves BECAUSE of this influx; and with that improvement, more monies will be funneled into social programs and again MORE people will benefit, and so on... much like what happened after Expo '86 - also a much-questioned world event hosted by Vancouver.

Please behave. Your protests will only serve to hurt us as a whole. The time for opposition has passed. Please join the majority and help us to invite the world in celebrating Canada, our Athletes, and our most beautiful city. After all... isn't that why you live here? Isn't that why ALL of us live here?

Saying Good Bye

2009-12-30T11:21:00.001-08:00

I've never been a big fan of good-bye... I find it difficult to leave the company of friends and family, though I tend to be a bit of a loner. Good bye to clients and coworkers is often difficult too, because there is always more to say...

To this year, however, goodbye will be easy. 2009 (as evidenced in SO many blog posts) has been a very difficult year - but one that has nevertheless left me (and us) with a sense of achievement... managing through the ridiculousness of life and coming out the other side stronger and wiser and with a sense of having survived, if nothing else.

So, to 2009:

Good bye packing and moving and the seemingly endless search for somewhere to live.

Good bye emergency surgeries.

Good bye landlord from another dimension (I swear, alien DNA MUST have been present in that mind... though that may be giving her brain too much credit).

Good bye to 2 friends that couldn't beat their illnesses.

Good bye to all of the tension and stress that all of these events have caused.

It's time for me to let all of you go.

_______

Hello 2010 and your shining and endless boon of possibilities. I think we're going to get along just fine.

And now for something COMPLETELY different...

2009-12-21T08:28:00.000-08:00

Wow. What a crazy-busy weekend!

We both had a great day on Friday, so we decided to treat ourselves (well, courtesy of our Realtor, actually) to dinner at The Keg - yum!... Saturday was a wash what with adding 5" to my gown/shopping for a bit of understated but elegant bling/buying a suit for my work party - but WOW, it was worth it! I tell ya, the folks that I work with are an amazing bunch, with leadership that CARES. I was so nervous - crazy, right? I haven't really dressed up in a LONG time (probably since my 1996 wedding, actually)... so I was concerned about the 'look'... and I've heard so much about the legendary Christmas Party that I was worried that my expectations simply wouldn't be met. I've been to a LOT of Christmas parties over the years, and I have to say that this one made all of the others look like a McDonalds birthday party in comparison.

We arrived (me nervously pulling at my bodice wondering if I let the 'girls' out for too much air), and all of my concerns/hesitations/trepidations were INSTANTLY assuaged as soon as we walked in the door. Those put aside, we thoroughly enjoyed everything from the company to the sit-down dinner through the music and dancing and home again. Chris shone like I've never seen him - I'm a lucky, lucky girl... he was also terribly impressed that we dined with not one, but TWO medal-winning Olympians (one a first year Consultant and the other the wife of a long-time Consultant). I loved seeing him like that... and DAMN, talk about sexy in his suit! (which I've also never seen - he's a programmer). All in all, one of the best evenings I've had - certainly THE best work party.

Then I got a call from my Mum. OOPS! Forgot about my sister's birthday! So I figured that I would do the shopping that I'd been putting off. SUCCESS!!! Birthday and Christmas pressies galore - and I'm happy with EVERYTHING! Another hurdle cleared... then off to dinner with my sis and parents. As I sit here this morning, I feel like I'm starving - a food hangover, certainly... no one can eat that much rich food in a weekend and fit into their suit on a Monday morning! Nothing but yogurt, granola, fruit and salad (and certainly no more alcohol!) until Christmas for this (very happy) camper.

So... a Very Merry Christmas to all - and I truly hope that you will be as fortunate as I feel going into 2010.

XO

Thank You.

2009-12-12T15:57:00.001-08:00

Two words that mean A LOT.

Would it KILL ya to say them???

Awhile back I was frustrated with my life - cooking, cleaning, driving kids around, work, etc., etc.... well, none of that has changed significantly, if at all... but you know what? I would REALLY like a "thank you" every now and again - from EVERYone that lives in this house. I work hard... at work, at home and seemingly FOR everyone's benefit (with the possible exception of mine - but that's a Mom's job right?? no really...).

Today has tipped it. I'm plain old pissed off. I cook - in the old days, that meant that SOMEONE ELSE did the dishes, no? Well, so much for that. I left them. Fuck it, I said, I'm not doing them. That was 2 days ago. Woke up this morning, hoping the kitchen elf had come and he had not. Went out to buy some fabric to lengthen my dress for our Christmas party next weekend... HOPED to come home to SOMEthing done - was it? NO! So I did it rather than do what I wanted to do, which was work on my dress. I chastised myself the entire time FOR doing it, but I did it - and it's made me a Very Grumpy Bear. WHY??? WHY am I the only one that can clean up around here? And now, to top it off, I'm doing everyone's laundry.

So really folks - what do you think? Thank You? Is it so hard?

Awh...

2009-11-30T13:59:00.000-08:00

Poor Bear. We've hemmed and hawed about getting him neutered for nearly a year - but he's undergoing the proceedure today :(. It makes me sad because we had wanted, initially, to breed him. But because we both procrastinate horribly when it comes to all things home, we realized that we probably weren't going to get around to posting the necessaries to put him out there. So no mini-bears *sigh*. Probably best though - this will likely curb any aggressive behaviour that may have developed as well as perhaps lower his testosterone level so that he doesn't freak out anymore (2x daily, akin to the cats going berserk).

Ah, weekends...

2009-11-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

This one was great! I must admit, though, that it wasn't the most relaxing weekend ever...

We spent most of the weekend unpacking (FINALLY - we moved Aug. 15th!) - it was REALLY nice to put things in places, hang things on walls (even though we still need to paint) and shove things in the basement that we're not going to need until the basement is finished.

I REALLY like the feeling of having done something - especially something that's been inadvertently put on the back burner for SO long. You know what I ALSO really like? Being able to walk through our house without constantly banging into things, thinking "jeez - I really need to do something about that".

Will post photos when we've painted :) (or when we've Christmas-ized the house).

Really?

2009-11-12T10:00:00.000-08:00

Is this REALLY how I roll?

cleaning/cooking/shopping/paying bills/working/taking care of kids/driving people places/laundry/home improvement projects/... I could go on, but my point is:

REALLY?

good god that's boring.

A new ... something?

2009-11-09T09:42:00.000-08:00

Not really.

I have decided a few things:

1. I'm tired of living in boxes - it's TIME to finish unpacking, which necessarily means:

2. We need to finish the basement. YIKES! Expensive, but necessary - we'll just have to do it a bit at a time, starting with framing... wood's cheap, right? Anyone know any electricians that will work for food? Once the electrical's roughed in, we can insulate, drywall and install the carpet/hardwood/w'ever... which means that the girls can move into their new spaces/unpack their playroom and we can have our OFFICE!!!! (which means that I won't be posting from the desk in our bedroom! - which, by the way, is VERY EXCITING!!!). The basement bathroom will have to wait though - bathrooms are VERY expensive. Guess we'll just have to put the walls up (the plumbing's already roughed in), close the door and hope for a lottery windfall :).

I'm actually very excited about the idea of starting all of this. I like working with my hands - I work with my head most of the time, so it'll be a nice change. I'm going to take the first step this afternoon after work - measuring, taping (removing and changing the plan 5 times, at least), then figuring out wood requirements for framing, etc. IF I'm lucky (and fast, and GOOD), maybe we can have our office for Christmas! Baby steps, right?

3. Speaking of baby... we're going to give it one more shot the old fashioned way. If the worse happens again (ectopic, surgery, etc), IVF is the only way that I will consider. Some (my parents, for example) think I'm crazy for trying - but hey, it is what it is. I hope it will work out for the best this time.

Come the end of the year, I WILL have a big decision to make... whether or not I wish to continue in my current position. It has its benefits - but also its challenges. To the good?: Time. I build my schedule to meet the needs of everyone around me. That's a BIG DEAL. To the bad?: If I don't work, I don't get paid. New client acquisition is always an issue. People are shy about what I do - they tend not to see it as, for example, savings for their retirement (boat, house, whatever) as much as they see it as giving someone else their money. Not sure how to get around that/alter/change their thinking or assumptions. Enh. It'll either happen or it won't. Meantime, I'll just keep plugging away.

And thus ends this particular installment of suburbanwank. Ciao for now - and if you know anyone who needs my particular expertise (or an electrician that's willing to work for food), let me know!

Since the last time....

2009-10-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

My, what an interesting roller coaster is this life thing.

Since last time...

Winnipeg. *sigh* For work... 6 days/5 nights of the worst hotel in the worst city (my opinion only) on the planet. I *do* wish they'd move head office to somewhere more civilized! And to top off the loneliness of being away from home, I didn't feel well the entire time - so going out was kinda out of the question... which leads me to...

Pregnant... again. Found out the day after I got home. Weeee... now for the waiting. HCG tests, ultrasound in 2 weeks which leads me to...

THE WORST ULTRASOUND CLINIC IN THE UNIVERSE!!!!! The tech was HORRIBLE - at 6 weeks, trans-vaginal is the only way to find anything... instead (and inspite of positive and rising HCG bloodtests) I am told that "I'm NOT pregnant because she can't find anything". This was a Monday. Sigh... leading me to....

Wednesday. Felt ill. Called clients to cancel meetings 'cause I was feeling feverish and morning sicknessish. Got a phone call from my Dr. at noon - she wanted me to go in for yet ANOTHER blood test and a proper ultrasound at RCH. YAY! Blood tests!!! *sigh*.... which lead to...

Another ectopic pregnancy - fraternal twins this time (2 embryonic sacs). Emergency surgery an hour or so later. Overnight in the hospital. Yucky horrible emotional roller coaster - hey, isn't that where we started?

The surgeon was able to save the tube - I suppose that will mean another internal x-ray to determine whether or not it's open *enough* to consider trying to get pregnant the old fashioned way again. I dunno. Maybe we should just find the money for IVF? At least then the embryo(s) will land in the right spot?

It's been 6 days and I'm no closer to an answer that's right for me. I don't want to risk my life anymore - but we still do want to have a baby. Shouldn't be this hard, should it?

Stolen

2009-09-01T11:31:00.000-07:00

Well, it's finally happened to someone I know.

My identity stolen and my accounts maxed out/emptied.

*sigh*

Maybe this year's not so good isn't over yet.

Home sweet home?

2009-08-25T09:56:00.000-07:00

After months of drama, heartache, frustration and disappointment, we're home.

Our home.

We even bought/unpacked/set up a shed! You only do that if you're staying, right?

It's going to take me a little while to get accustomed to owning again - funny that. But I suppose that the renting experience of the last year has scarred me ;)... okay, maybe only a little... It's more the MOVING 4 TIMES that's scarred me!

C is doing the full commute from Langley to Yaletown today... and I feel for him completely. IF he catches the right bus, the commute should last 1hr 22minutes.. start to finish (including the walk to the office from skytrain). If not? 2 hours or more, depending on just how much the bus was missed by. Translink? If you want people to use your services (rather than buying a car and driving in, which is what he's talking about at the moment), you NEED to make them more accessible/frequent/cheaper. The traffic on the #1 is caused by people that live here! Right - going to stop there before it becomes a full-on rant.

Back to the house :)

We need to fence the back of the back yard... we need to finish the basement for the girls... other than that? Can't WAIT to hit the garden store! (to that end, we've made a pact - one that I'm positive will be broken the SECOND we step foot inside the hothouses... we're actually trying to make ourselves believe that we're only going to "have a look" ... to "scope out" what's available and "make a plan" for the yard. Yeah. We'll see.)

It's getting done. And the more stuff that gets put away, the better it feels.

Hope to invite all of you over soon :)

A wee rant. Sorry.

2009-07-24T07:45:00.001-07:00

WHAT IS IT with nutbar landladies??? I'm WORKING, madame, which is why I am not answering my cell phone. I am SPEAKING WITH A CLIENT, madame. There is absolutely no need to track down Chris's sister, rant at HER about me not picking up my phone, tell HER that you heard from your son who heard from a friend who heard from someone else that the daughter of our back alley neighbour said that we're not moving out on the 31st, then tell HER that if we're not out by 2:30 on the 31st you "might as well call your lawyer now and declare bankruptcy" for crying out LOUD.

1. Becci's amazing - but she does not follow our every move - and even if she did, what right do you have to call her to try to track us down DURING WORK HOURS???
2. Bankruptcy? Okay, well, you're nuts... but here it is - you do not declare bankruptcy by calling your lawyer.
3. DO NOT use - what? 5th party information to disrupt all of our lives! Lady - your son, who heard it from someone who heard it from someone who heard it from someone else is WRONG.

How on EARTH do you function in everyday life? Try picking up the phone IN THE EVENING - or leave us a message rather than sending a terse fax to my place of business.

Lady, I will be glad to be done here.

... one week and counting

2009-07-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

I hate packing - have I mentioned that?

Moving itself isn't so bad... particularly the last 3, 'cause I put out for movers. This time though, we're using PODS in an effort to save a little $$, so we're packing and moving ourselves. The GREAT thing about this is that we'll have 3 days to load (not a couple of hours), won't be charged for mileage, get free storage at their facility (okay, maybe not FREE, but certainly included in the price) and then, 15 days later, like magic, our stuff shows up and we'll have 3 days to UNpack! (the 3-day thing is completely arbitrary and self-imposed... we're wonderful people, but DO tend a bit toward procrastination). I like the break in-between: not the "where are we going to stay"-ness; rather the "we don't have to move everything we own twice in the same day"-ness. That said, if you're around next week (tues-thurs) and want to throw things in boxes, or possibly into the PODS, PLEASE help :)

Ah, but back to packing. I don't know why it's such a difficult thing to put one's things into boxes. I spend time worrying about it, wondering which object should go into which box with what... time looking at everything, cleaning everything ('cause the box cares, y'know), wrapping it... for what, really? I don't have issues packing other people's stuff - just mine/ours. Here we find the root of my procrastination. I don't WANT to look at everything, clean everything, worry about everything - it's ridiculous! I can't even count the number of times I've nearly wished for a house to burn down JUST so that I don't have to pack! *sigh*

All of that said, we're nearly done with this house. Not even close to being done moving and packing - but there's just over a week left and then we WILL be done. Thank goodness.

And.... Jazz Hands....

2009-07-07T08:46:00.001-07:00

Well, it took some doing... and we ARE going to be homeless for 2 weeks - but we've finally found a place to live. It's in Langley, of all places (guess I'm spawning) - but it's only 12 years old, big enough for all of us (3 stories and 2200 sq. ft), has a hot tub and a heat pump (AIR CONDITIONING!!! WOOT!!!) and room enough for us to get away from one another when needs be.

We need to finish the basement: it will be the girl's space; complete with THEIR bedrooms, THEIR bathroom, a playroom and some storage, of course. We also need to fence in the back yard on day 1 - but YAY US! We DID it!

... one to go...

2009-06-16T14:01:00.000-07:00

Update: Only a partial blockage in my still attached fallopian tube. Doc thinks that's pretty good news, and that there's less than a 10% chance of ANOTHER ectopic... so we're going to keep trying before resorting to IVF.

... now for the House.

One down...

2009-06-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

Two to go...

SCG results today at Noon. Will update.

STILL waiting to hear about the Queen's Park house - keep your fingers crossed for us!... and on that front... Our dispute was successful - we're NOT going to be kicked out of our abode by month-end (phew!)... we do, however, need to be out by end of July.

sigh

2009-06-08T14:48:00.000-07:00

HOLEEEE gimme a break, Universe!

So, since the last time I posted....

Ectopic pregnancy = SCG xray. NEVER want to do one of those again! ... that said, I see the need to know whether or not the other tube is viable. Hopefully all will be well - won't find out until next Thurs. though. I suppose if it isn't, then we'll be looking at IVF. Not so bad, but the risk of multiples is very high (remember the lady with octuplets? EEK!)

Oldest child broke her wrist after she fell *walking* to a May Day practice...

The house we're living in has been sold. Depending on the outcome of our dispute, we may have to be out of this house by the end of June. CRAP. We've been house hunting for several months now, to no avail. This is REALLY HARD. That said, and to that end, we went and saw an absolutely perfect-for-us house (rental) in the Queen's Park area... IN our price range. We're waiting to hear back. It's very hard to wait. PLEASE send us good juju.

I'm feeling overwhelmed by the possibility of not having a place to live in the very near future. The yukky anxiety pangs started this morning... I'm going to try some self-hypnosis to abate these symptoms tonight. Again - wish me luck.

... and now for a little reality...

2009-04-29T08:32:00.000-07:00

Sadly we found out on Monday that the pregnancy was ectopic. I was rushed into emergency surgery and had to have my left fallopian tube removed, along with the thumb-sized growth that had taken over the tube. The loss of the potential baby hit me on Monday while I was waiting for surgery, but the gravity of the life-threatening situation didn't hit me until yesterday afternoon. Apparently I "should" have ruptured a couple of weeks ago... I'm not sure how I feel about that... shaken, certainly... - but I mean really... we're each in life-threatening situations daily... driving, waiting for a bus, walking down the street... I suppose that this was just more "immanent", as it were. Meantime, I'm trying to sort those feelings out (but not searching too hard for answers), resting my very sore belly and trying desperately to find SOMEthing on daytime TV.

So...

2009-04-23T18:35:00.000-07:00

7 wks Pregnant, mortgage-approved and house hunting this weekend!

Egad.

Domesticity

2009-02-23T12:00:00.000-08:00

Hmm.

We've been living together now for just over a month and it's been just amazing. We've both partnered-up before - me for 10 years, him for 7... so my thinking coming in was that we'd need time apart... "me" time, as it were - but honestly? We were laying together on the couch yesterday bemoaning the fact that the weekend was already nearly over and why, WHY couldn't we just have another day.

In this month several things have happened: he's gained 2 girls to parent (who absolutely love him), we've started putting a sincere effort into adding to our family and we got a pupppyyyyyyy!

... his name is Bear and he's AWESOME!

The girls have adapted SO well to the new house, the new school, the new puppy... and not least to the MUCH shorter commute to the ferry each weekend.

We still have much work to do towards unpacking and fixing up the house so that it's precisely what we need (the girls need new bedrooms downstairs so that we can have our planned office and nursery upstairs), but hey - it's pretty great. I'm very much looking forward to all of this because when it's done, it means we can fill up the hot tub and have a good, long soak.

Teehee.

Adjusting...

2009-01-23T11:21:00.001-08:00

We're moved... we're living as a family... and EVERYthing that goes with that.

I'm having some serious problems with my 9 year old... yes, I know, 9 is a notoriously difficult age... but c'mon - I should NOT have to bodily install her at the school each morning. She's making friends - she comes home very happy. Getting her there is another issue altogether. Advice, anyone? Seriously.

In other news... we're in our new place in New Westminster (or The Mizzle, as Saint Aardvark calls it). Love it. LOVE IT. We have a lot of work to do to make the space entirely usable for ourselves (like tearing out carpet, building walls, drywalling the ceiling in the basement), but I'm actually looking forward to it!

My partner (Naked - his nickname for YEARS) is an amazing, amazing individual and I can't believe how lucky I am to have him in my life full-time. The girls ADORE him (and my youngest quite probably has a HUGE crush on him).

That's it for today. Have an amazing weekend.

PS - this is my 100th post! Wow.

Yay December!

2008-12-01T08:22:00.000-08:00

Happy December everyone :)

Things to look forward to this month...

1. FINALLY seeing the orthopaedic surgeon (tomorrow)
2. Tubal Ligation Reversal Surgery (11 more sleeps)
3. Christmas! (well, Presents!) (24 more sleeps)
4. Boxing Day Sales!
5. Getting Pregnant! (on or around Dec. 31, according to MY calendar)

So, okay, there are a lot of "fingers crossed" items on that list....

Wish me luck.

Oh my freakin' gawd. Gimme a break!

2008-09-05T21:32:00.000-07:00

This is a rant. Please don't have ANY misconceptions going in.

The first thing I would like to say is that I have never NEVER had ANY problems with unnamed cable/phone/internet company in my history with them. They've been fantastic to and for me.

As you know, I moved over here June 7th, less than 1 week after studying for and writing an extremely involved examination. Great, right? Well... only kinda. I moved into the basement of my parent's new home, that they were remodelling and had not yet moved into. That part's pretty good. Then they began,slowly but surely, moving in. I had ordered separate internet service after my sister, who STILL, at 38, lives with my parents, moved MY internet modem into what would be my mum's office - leaving me without the internet that I needed for studying for my second, even more involved examination - as well as work. Push came to shove after I returned from a very intense training session in Winnipeg... I HAD to find a place to live... and NOW. They were moving in. Knowing my Mom and Sister as I do... I could not - let me emphasize this COULD NOT continue to live in that house if they were going to be there. Enter Hugh & McKinnon, my fabulous property managers... they found a house for me that I could move into almost immediately - so I began to make arrangements to have phone/internet/cable hooked up through aforesaid company. Yay me!

Not so much.

On the day that my internet/phone/cable were hooked up, my parent's phone was somehow disconnected. Sheesh. Okay - minor fuck-up, right? Easily fixed, right? Well, yes - but that didn't stop my Mom calling and yelling at me even though the company said they could come out the next day and re-connect their service. So - here we are - nearly a month later, and I'm STILL getting blamed for this. Mom was on the phone with them for (she claims) 3 hours today - and called me to ask to have their number from my account.

"???" I said

then, giving up on rational thought, agreed to call them.

I just got off the phone with them - explained the situation as I understood it, and asked them to remove their number from my account.

"???" they said.

The number in question was never, let me emphasize this NEVER on my account!

So. I called my mother to let her know. My sister answered. I just got yelled at by HER and blamed some more for their woes.

I think it's time for me to step back, yet again, from contact.

I officially give up. Not EVERYTHING can be my fault, m'dears. Somehow, at some point, you are all going to have to find another scapegoat... and for me, that time is now.

Winding down.... ?

2008-08-09T07:48:00.000-07:00

Coming up on yet another big week...

Writing my Insurance Licensing Exam on Wednesday morning at 8am, moving on Thursday morning at 8am.

Oh yeah - didn't I meantion? I found a house! Ridiculously expensive, but a house nonetheless... the girls are going to LOVE it (and so am I... and for the same reasons). It has 3 big bedrooms (the master is ENORMOUS), a bonus room over the garage (read girl's BIG playroom that they don't have to clean every time someone comes over!!!), an office, 2 fireplaces and an beautiful big back yard! It's in an okay area - the property backs onto a park with a swimming pool! and water park! and playground!... photos will follow... promise :)

And the LLQP exam... the last in a long series of hoops through which I'm jumping. It's a good thing, actually - I really never had any idea what insurance can do! I mean really - think about it in its most base terms: extended medical, extended dental - important, right? What about Critical Illness? Ever known anyone that had a heart attack? Diabetes? Cancer? Aaaaaanyway... I digress.

Got appointed this week - and made my first big sale. Yay me!

That's it for now. XO

Consult!

2008-07-27T07:10:00.000-07:00

So... here's what I do...

I help people save/build/make money. I help them take what they have/don't have and create a plan with them to help them retire/go on vacation/buy a house/spend less money on their house/write off portions of interest/save on taxes/make sure they and their loved ones are protected when they die ('cause it happens, people, and we need to prepare for it)... and lots and lots of other things too!

I really like what I do... helping people... now I just need people to help!

So, if you're out there... contact me! Leave a comment and I PROMISE I'll get back to you...

My planning services are all done at no cost and no obligation to you... so really? What do you have to lose?

TGIF

2008-07-18T04:07:00.000-07:00

REALLY... thank goodness it's Friday.

I've been in Winnipeg now since July 9th... you know? I've done my fair share of travelling in my short years, but never felt homesick - until this trip, only 2 1/2 hours' flight from home.

I've missed you; the other half of my heart, I've missed my babies, I've missed my bed, I've missed real food, I've missed the mountains and the people... but not just "gee I wish I was there" missed - not being able to sleep and crying at the thought of you missed.

I woke up early this morning (some may say very late last night... but the sun was trying to come up, nonetheless), and without the aid of the alarm... I board my plane at 1:45 this afternoon and leave the ground at 2:15. I'll arrive at 3:16 and be in your arms shortly thereafter. And I will sleep tonight.

I cried in class this week (yes, I'm a silly girl) - we were learning to paint word pictures of other's goals and dreams, and in doing so, were asked to paint our own... it involved the house we've talked about, and the trip of a lifetime... sailing down the west coast to the Panama Canal, across the Atlantic and into the Mediterranean... things I didn't know meant so much to me until they were on paper and I tried to read them aloud.

Can't wait to see you... so happy Friday's finally here XO

blushing

2008-07-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

Hello. I know it's been awhile... a lot has happened in the past 3 months. I ALSO am painfully aware that I never did complete my ClubMed blog - I only ever got to day 2... enh.

I'm in Winnipeg. Yes, Winnipeg. I'm here completing my training for my new position in my new life... oh yeah - I moved... didn't I mention?

Here's a brief overview, for those of you that haven't heard it:

- Got back from Vacation April 12, landed without job.
- Got back from Vacation to a sold house!
- Decided to try and figure out exactly what it was that I DID want to do - needed to have something/anything in place before moving: talked to a lot of people about a lot of options and came out where I am - in Winnipeg, completing my training as a Consultant with Investors Group Financial. Finally! A job where I can help people help themselves. It's a good thing.
- Took the IFIC (Investment Funds in Canada) course, and passed with quite high marks (yeah, it's a brag)on June 1st :)
- Started packing for my move (which was happening June 7th!)... my guy came over to help on the last night, which was SO appreciated - you have no idea. Also? Apparently I hired the best moving company in the universe... the guys were just fantastic - and done well ahead of their expected schedule.
- Moved
- Started new position 3 days after moving - and also began studying for the LLQP (Life License Qualification Program) - which is required by IG... we ARE a FULL SERVICE company.
- Loved the learning curve - so much... SO MUCH to learn (still... don't know if that bit will ever be done... another HUGE perk, for me)
- Wrote the LLQP on July 6th (and passed! again, with above-average marks :)... yay me) and left for Winnipeg on the 8th.

Yeah, it's been a bit whirlwind, but that's a good thing. If I stopped and thought about it all as I went along, I might've talked myself into intimidation and not finished my walk down this very exciting road.

Moral of this story? I love my new life, although I still need to find a house in which to live that does NOT belong to my parents. I get to help people plan for their future and watch over the next 20 years as the work we do together helps them fulfill all their hopes and dreams.

I'm a very lucky girl.

Update time!

2008-04-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

Man, when I asks for change, apparently I gets it!!! Like last year, but on a whole new level.

I've now sold my house (completes July 10th)... we've made it past the "removal of subject clauses" phase and into the "hopefully it'll all go smoothly" phase of existence.

I'm no longer at my well-hated job... I'm now training to be a Financial Advisor - pretty cool, actually. One of the exercises that I undertook prior to beginning was asking many friends and family members their objective opinions about how they think this career would suit me. Resounding (very nearly deafening) YESs followed, which certainly made the choice easier for me. Interesting process though... I am currently working on completing my IFIC Certification, which will allow me to apprentice with a firm, likely Investor's Group Financial. The process doesn't stop there though... 5 weeks of training with them, including insurance certifications and other requirements, then I'll be off to Winnipeg for 9 days to complete testing and certification. Once that's all done and I'm official, I can start helping people! I think it will prove to be fun, interesting and challenging with a big element of getting to meet and know new people - really looking forward to it. Of course, there's the scary aspect too - self-employment and building my clientele while trying to make enough money for us to live on. Weeeeeee!

Which brings me to the next step. Finding a place to live. Looking at the buying v. renting option... we shall see, we shall see. And of course there's the "where". Somewhere near skytrain would be preferable, I think... possibly New West. Won't know 'till I find it, I suppose.

PS - still working on the Club Med Turquoise post... SO much to share :)

Weeee!

2008-04-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah... and THIS happened the night we were in (yes, IN!) the trapeze show

Oh yeah... most DEFINITELY happy :)

2008-04-15T11:30:00.000-07:00

Kinda like this...

and this...

this too...

and most CERTAINLY this...

What an amazing time we had. Working on a full report, but for now? The photos will do the talking XO

Happy!

2008-03-19T13:46:00.001-07:00

This is how happy I will be in approximately 14 days, 20 hours

Things, good and enh

2008-03-15T07:56:00.000-07:00

Hmmm. The house still hasn't sold... been close a few times this week, with people requesting multiple viewings, but ultimately writing offers elsewhere. Enh. I imagine when the right person comes along, things will go along as they should - hopefully it will happen BEFORE the start date of the new job that I'll get soon :)... also? before Doc and I head out for a week of BLISS on Turks & Caicos!

This week is spring break for the girls. They're going over to their Granny's house for a visit, as neither their Dad nor I have the week off... I'm in training for work and Leon's a prof - reading week and spring break do not coincide. I'm a little upset about this. The boss (aka pointy hair) planned this training week AFTER I told him that it was spring break for the kids. I'm going to miss my girls; partly because they're away for over a week, but also because they will only be back for a little while before I'm on a plane and gone for 10 days too.

Apparently there is no such thing as a direct flight to Turks & Caicos. Who knew? We're flying first to Dallas, then to Miami (where we'll spend the night) - then we get on a plane and less than an hour later, we'll be sunning in the beautiful Caribbean. I've never been there before - nor has Doc. We're going to swim with the dolphins, sail, play some tennis and mostly just relax and have lots of time together - without ferries, or planning, or real life getting in the way. Maybe I will even be able to convince him to go diving with me ('course, according to our months-old bargain, that will mean me jumping out of a plane with him at some point... *insert appropriate squeaky noise here*).

And that's it... for now.

Damn! NOT sold :(

2008-03-07T09:38:00.001-08:00

Just like the title says... buyer backed out :(

Any volunteers to keep the place clean for me?

SOLD! (?)

2008-03-04T10:28:00.000-08:00

I have an accepted offer on the house... now we just have to get through the (singular) subject.

Subject removal: March 14th
Closing: April 24th

Anyone got a job for me? Oh. And a place to live could prove handy as well.

(yay me!)

Wow. 2 in 2

2008-02-22T09:59:00.000-08:00

So. Big stuff STILL happening. Gawd, my life's going to be boring when things finally settle down!

My house is now FOR SALE. The proof is in the papers I signed last night, the Realtors and Photographers that are touring my house today to examine and photograph... and the sign that will be on my front lawn when I return from my weekend of bliss. Wow.

It's an enormous step... but somehow it's not freaking me out. A Good Thing. I thought that I would be worried, or scared, or emotional; but those things have escaped me as I face the drudgery of cleaning and preparing the house for viewing each morning. Perhaps it will sell quickly at asking... perhaps it will be on the market for awhile. Regardless, I am on my way home.

Update: this is it: http://www.charlieparker.ca/real-estate/listing.php?iwebdatabase=8964&panelnum=0

Um, WOW

2008-02-21T11:08:00.000-08:00

I surprise even myself. Sometimes more often than I'd like to admit.

I've been back and forth with the doc over irregular (atypical) smear results. Went in this morning for yet ANOTHER follow up exam and got a BIG surprise.

Ready?

Since September, I've known I was losing weight. My estimates have ranged from about 25 pounds to MAYbe 40 at the absolute outside. Today my doc couldn't keep it to herself (I've previously been disinclined to actually know the NUMBER associated with the scale)... but that number isn't 25... not even 40. Since September, I've lost 58 pounds. 58!!!!

Yay me :)

Love 'n junk

2008-02-19T12:15:00.000-08:00

So... wow. Lots happening, I suppose :)

First of many: The house is going to be for sale at the end of the week. Must hurt friend to do so. Unfortunately just don't think friend should be seller because of lack of experience.

Second of many: I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT ITEM 1... but scared too

Third of many: Moving, moving, moving. What a horrible thought! Too much work for one. While I'm very much looking forward to moving back to the mainland, the actual slog of keeping the house clean and presentable during the selling and packing process is slightly more than daunting.

Fourth of many: Job hunt continues... I *may* end up living over there prior to finding the j.o.b., which means temporary digs (ich) and not being able to write the move off on my taxes next year (ouch), but job-finding will likely be easier when I don't have "Nanaimo" in my contact box.

Fifth of many... and this is a show-stopper: I'm an idiot. I really am. I've fallen completely head-over-heels-make-an-ass-of-myself in love with the most wonderful, kind, caring, intelligent, funny man. I'm afraid that my dream will end and I'll find myself sitting bolt upright in bed if I tell him. Assvice, anyone?

Last of these few: I'm a happy, happy girl. Yay me :)

Is personal the same as important?

2008-01-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

Terry Pratchett is my hero - I think I may have mentioned this once or twice before. I was re-reading one of his stories the other day and came across a sentiment that struck a chord - "Personal is not always the same as important".

My heart hurts. My head hurts. I need to get a job. I need to be back on the mainland. I very much need to see you more often than a few weekends here and there. Personal? Yes. Important? Yes - to me.

I was reminded the other night, as I moaned about my job and how much I'd like to just LEAVE that I am, in fact, a monkey. I need to have the other branch in sight before letting go of the one I'm holding onto. PLEASE, other branch, hurry up - I'm losing my grip!

So what to do? Trust the universe, let go of this job, put my house on the market and just hope? Or be sensible, find employment, then hope everything else falls into place when I need it to? Any advice? Even ass-vice will do :)

I know I'm angst-wanking. That's where I am right now. So - I put it to you... is personal the same as important? Sometimes, I think.

More changes!

2008-01-03T14:15:00.000-08:00

My life has taken on a tone. That tone is of change. It's a good thing.

I'm trying to move back to the mainland. THAT means new job, selling house, buying house, disappointing Dad ('cause he REALLY wants to live here) and an amazing side-effect of being closer to those I Love.

It's a good thing.

This year will be happy and new. Last year is gone now... and I am happy to see it go. Last year was a very difficult one - probably depression (undiagnosed... adn it lead to better things that I'll talk about in a minute) deaths in my close family, separation and tossing myself into a job that I will (hmm, how to put it?)not miss.

The great things that came out of all of that are a better understanding of myself through hypnosis (chortle, if you must), a connection with a special someone that seems to be leading my heart in places it hasn't been before and an eagerness for what's ahead. I'm excited. I'm excited about my life and where circumstances are leading me.

No, I haven't forgotten

2007-11-21T13:18:00.000-08:00

Hello! It's been awhile... I thought I'd update.

I am officially me again. No more attached names, just me, the name I was born with. This is really, REALLY exciting to me. It means I'm no longer someone's wife. Just ME. Make sense?

I'm also really excited for this weekend. I'm probably going over to Vancouver to see a special someone... he's been gone for a little while. No, no names... I mean, damn, y'all don't even know MY name! What I *can* tell you is that I'm really happy. REALLY happy for the first time in a very long time. Sometimes it takes leaving to be sure. For those of you that haven't seen me in awhile, I'm also nearly 45 pounds down from where I was in May. Now THAT speaks volumes, eh? Bikini summer coming up!

I've just had lunch with a friend I haven't seen since 2 days after the ex moved out. It was so great to see her! She looks great - even though she's complaining about gaining a couple of pounds (in what, hair? it certainly isn't anywhere I can see).

Well, been nice chatting with you... I *may* have more to say at a later date :)

Sleeeeeeeep

2007-10-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

And now for something completely different. Everyone I know has trouble sleeping. Me too (as most of you know as well). Here is an explanation. It's interesting!

And.... we're good.

2007-09-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

First of all... THANK YOU!!! Thank ALL of you that have been so very supportive. Secondly? Well, it's done - and it was (very nearly) painless. Some tears, some worry, but really, I think that was to be expected.

Oh, and for the record? Leon's new house is SO CUTE! Holy cow! He needs to paint (the owner *really* liked orange - lots of shades of orange)... but other than that, it's just fantastic.

I had a really productive weekend as well - trying to put things (back) together, getting rid of dog hair, giving myself room to breathe. The girls spent Saturday night at Daddy's (their) new house, in their new bunkbeds, playing their new Wii (Daddy's house warming gift from friends Trisha, Jim & Austin) and generally having a good time and getting settled in their new weekend home.

I kind of expected to feel more.... I dunno... anxiety ridden? But I suppose I got a lot of that out in the weeks/months leading up to the actual separation of houses.

Now, it's time to get on with everyday life.

Again, I can't thank all of you enough for your support.

Oh, help.

2007-09-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what to do, where to turn, who to talk to, what to say.

I seem to be being made out as the "bad guy" in this separation... dammit, it just *is*.

My Dad all but hung up on me the other night, when I told him L was moving out on Saturday... and yet when L called them to tell them, he was invited out to play golf! JEEZus!

Another example? Alright then. L and the girls went to Granny's for an overnight visit last weekend... my parents joined them for lunch and they offered L any help he needed. None of these offers have come to me... these people don't ask me how I'm doing - how I'm feeling. I want to stamp my feet and scream but you're MY family... I'm the one that you're supposed to support.

This, in addition to the week of turmoil... guilt over daycare, my baby attending Kindergarden, learning a new job, helping L pack and choose which things he'll take with him.... have left me feeling quite alone.

Firsts (2)

2007-09-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

The 15th it is. Leon will have his own place, I will have mine. Support and encouragement strongly recommended.

*UPDATE* The children have now been told... they're pretty excited about the idea of having 2 houses (bunk beds don't hurt either ;-)) They're currently off with Daddy looking at his new house.

Firsts

2007-09-04T18:31:00.000-07:00

Today was a day of firsts.... first day of my new job, first day of school for my oldest, first day of daycare for my youngest, first day of classes for Leon... a lot of very busy firsts. Today was also the 11th anniversary of the day we got married.

The next few weeks will be interesting. My soon-to-be-separated-from husband is trying to find a place for the 15th, which will be another first. Some days it feels like there's SO MUCH going on, others like nothing has changed.

Went to Vancouver for most of the long weekend... yes, went to the PNE as well. I truly can't believe how popular the fair is, even after all this time. It was one of the best weekends of my year, so far - but I must say... Vancouver, Mr. Sullivan, PLEASE resolve the strike issue... soon... and to the Union members and officials... PLEASE don't be greedy - you are all paid very well for what you do.

That's all folks... more updates when/as they warrant.

To you, with Love.

2007-08-21T15:34:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that I Love many people, and many of those people I have never told "I love you".

So to you, my Family: Mom, Dad, Lorene... I love you with everything that I have. It kills me to see you so very, very ill Mom, and it hurts me that there isn't anything that I can do to help you.

To Grampa... I love you so much, and I'm sorry that the love of your life has left you now. You will meet again, one day - but hopefully not too soon.

To Leon, Casey and Jordan... I Love you all so much that it hurts sometimes. Leon, I'm sorry that it's time for this to end, but please tell me it'll all be okay in the end because we are doing what is best for all of us.

To Christine and Christopher... I love you both very much. I'm sorry that there seems to be a need to demonize someone in this process, and that that someone is me.

To Sarah, Michael, Rowan, Lilah, Cheesefairy, SA, Trombone, Dan, Chris, Heather, Jim, Trisha, Austin, Joy, MA, Arwen, Michelle, Jess, Alan, Stephen, Ian Mack, Rick, and so many that I know I've forgotten in this moment... I love and value each and every one of you because you're special to me, and every one of you have brought amazing light into my life.

Just wanted you to know... so that nothing goes unsaid anymore. I've spent a lot of time not saying things. It's time for that to stop.

I know, I know....

2007-08-07T16:21:00.001-07:00

It's been a REALLY long time and in that REALLY long time a LOT of things have happened.

Here's the skinny, for those of you that I haven't had a chance to talk to (sorry... there are REASONS).

Leon and I have decided to separate. It's been a long and arduous process, but I think it's going to be for the best, in the long run. For those of you that know our children - they haven't been told yet, nor will they until we KNOW where each of us will live and how arrangements will be made... so we'd appreciate your candor if you happen to be discussing this in front of YOUR children that our children might know :-). Ah, little ears.

I am also now looking for work. Y'all know my specialties for the most part... so I'd appreciate it if you could watch out for me and let me know if anything interesting happens to crop up that I may be interested in? Nanaimo or Vancouver/the mainland are the contenders because we would all like to stay very close. We don't hate one another, in fact, we all get along quite well... but we want it to stay that way, which is why the separation.

It's been a really emotional few months here... as many of you know, my Gramma also passed away. Her service will be held August 20, which would have been her 91st birthday.

That's it for the update at this moment...

From Dune, with love

2007-07-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

SUMMER!!!

2007-07-10T21:07:00.000-07:00

It HAS arrived! We hit 37 today, and it's not, at this time (9ish) showing any signs of cooling off.

The garden is thriving, though needing a lot of water... 2 new roses have just popped up (red, I haven't planted any roses. At all. Since we moved here)... and landscaping is taking place. Hopefully to be finished REALLY soon if this heat keeps up! I will post photos when it's all done - or y'all could come and VISIT! That would be great!

Things are also on the move job-wise for me. The Director is apparently trying to figure out just how to fit me in, which is amazing. I loved working there, and hopefully will soon love working there again.

Until next time...

And........ breathe out.

2007-07-06T17:54:00.000-07:00

Phew. Thank you for your support. It was (is) sorely needed.

I have, since the last post, been pro-active in my approach to this connundrum. Yesteray I went to visit my old place of work and mentioned that I would be interested in coming back, should they want me.... well, wouldn't you know it - a Person In Charge happened to show up and gave me the go. It still needs to go through the director and have a couple of nods here and there, but PLEASE keep your fingers crossed, folks!

Yay me.

Strap in, this could get rough...

2007-06-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

I've tried writing a number of times over the past few weeks, unsuccessfully. I'm taking another shot at it now, so please bear with me - this may end up as more of a stream of consciousness.

As many of you know my Gramma died June 8th. I got the call as I was getting off the ferry to have a fun weekend with friends. THAT didn't happen. That weekend feels like a million years ago now. I've been feeling more or less useless for the past couple of years, and it's finally caught up with me. I NEED to break out of the cycle that started 7 or 8 years ago; causing my personal scope to get smaller and ever smaller, to the point where I have felt a bit like a bird in a gilded cage. I have everything I need; except close (local) friends, a sense of purpose and personal value... so I guess I really DON'T have everything I need. I want so very much from my life and I'm kind of feeling like I'm stuck on a rock in the middle of the ocean right now... which, of course, I am. My career, my expertise, my knowledge, background and experience go entirely unregarded here because although there IS a community for what I do, it's primarily rooted in amateur/community situations. I miss feeling valued for something other than cooking, cleaning, laundry and childminding. Please don't take away the impression that I MIND any of this - it's just that that's it. That's It. The bitch of it all is that I can look back and clearly see each and every personal choice that led me here - and I know that I did, each step of the way, the right thing. But I think that maybe many of those steps weren't the right thing for me.

So I've been trying to have THE CONVERSATION with the hubby. It's been bits and pieces over the last month or so... but never one sit-down because he's not been home, still isn't, in fact. Consequently, I've felt unheard and unimportant, except to my old "city" friends, one in particular, that I have thankfully had the opportunity to spend a bit of (though not nearly enough) time with. Here's the thing. When I went over the first time to have a weekend, I went over without making any plans - just loaded my phone with everyone's numbers, intent on surprising people. I got one call in, then my phone died; along with all of the phone numbers and/or contact info I had with me. At that point, I saw my charger, very clearly, sitting on the kitchen counter at home... when I went over the second time it was only for an afternoon and evening, I got a pissy phone call from my parents (wtf?) essentially asking what the hell I was doing and why I wasn't with my Family. These things have left me feeling like I don't GET to have time on my own - that I'm somehow not entitled to have relationships outside of home. Not only do I think that's not right; I also feel like I need to somehow ensure SOME support from those that are closest to me. So how do I get that? How? Seriously?

I am now looking for work in Arts Admin/Mgmt in Vancouver AND on the island - it'll be in Victoria or Vancouver that I find it - either way, it's a commute - and there are (obviously) other consequences that need to be taken into consideration along with (and as a result of) the time that will be spent away. It's a slow process. A slow and difficult one, wrought with guilt, freedom, conscience and awareness that I'm backtracking - but only a bit. Only to a place where I can feel good again - what will the cost be? I've been told by those closest to me that I *should* go back to school (AGAIN???) and retrain - maybe as a graphic designer or photographer because "I like doing that", right? I don't WANT to retrain and I shouldn't HAVE to; but it seems that retraining is the only other option if I stay put. Nanaimo is FULL of all KINDS of opportunities for me - as long as I want to work in retail.

Damn it, I shouldn't HAVE to give up everything I've worked towards over the past 12 years.

Should I?

New Beginnings

2007-06-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

I'm taking some for me. Which is odd and scary, different and nearly entirely alien to me at this point in my life. Sarah has inspired me, my old friends that it has taken entirely too long to connect with again have inspired me, Al gave me a kick in the behind, which is where I needed it.

While my girls will always be my first priority, I have finally made it onto my own list, ranking #2 (only behind my kids),thank you very much.

YAY ME!

Gramma

2007-06-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

This was her, for anyone interested.

The catching of breath

2007-06-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling? The one where it feels like there's a bubble stuck in the back of your throat and your heart feels like it is pounding so hard it might leave your chest? It comes when you hear bad news, or in that moment where you don't quite know where your child is, or when your heart leaps at the thought of a loved one. You know the one I mean.

I've nearly caught my breath. Events have conspired in one way and another to maintain that bubble, and the leaping heart and all of those feelings for what must be weeks now. But I've nearly caught my breath.

The Rules

2007-06-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

These rules came to me from a friend. I like them enough to share them.

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11. Don't judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Say "God bless you" when you hear someone sneeze, even if you don't believe... they might.

16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson .

17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

21. Spend some time alone.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

Grief.

2007-06-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

A girl should never have to see her Grampa cry. Not ever.

After a surgery that should have taken 3 hours and instead took 9, after a recovery that should have taken a week but ended in 4, my dear, sweet Gramma died of congestive heart failure on Friday at 3:30. It was peaceful and she had a chance to say goodbye to Grampa - without the knowledge that that is what it was. She was 90 - to be 91 in August.

She was also fun, loved horses (was a trick rider for awhile, actually), made the best syrup sandwiches, sneaked us dinner before we went home for dinner, loved gardening and her flowers (especially her glads), gave me my love of sweetpeas, secretly smoked until 4 years ago when she decided that she was sick of hiding it (no, not kidding), made sure my Grampa knew what was what, and BOY could she stand there with her hands on her hips. She was little, only 5'1".

And I miss her.

I drove out to Mom and Dad's early in the morning on Sunday. I was fine. I had checked out a bit since the phone call. I reached the exit off-ramp, and that was it. I had to pull the car over because I don't think I could have seen 2 feet in front of me for the waves of misery that had bathed me. Mom answered the door. I've never seen her cry out loud before. Not really. Not from her very being.

But the hardest part of all of this was going to see my amazing Grampa. He's 101 and now, after 76 years of marriage, he's on his own. I went with my Dad. Grampa's eyes filled with tears when he saw me, saying only "Please take me out of here, I'm going to go crazy".

Contemplation

2007-06-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

For a crazy while yesterday I was contemplating shearing off the locks. It's been so warm and summer-like and The Hair was just getting way too hot. Then there's today. I woke up FREEZING because I had removed blankets, thinking summer was on its way. Um, oops?

Work has become more challenging recently due to my introduction to Facebook (now crackbook). That thing is insane. I'm loving the contact with my friends - but who are the rest of these people?

I think I shall go and curl up by my fire now. With a blanket. In June.

Good grief.

June

2007-06-05T16:52:00.000-07:00

This is beginning to look like a very busy month. School's going to be out soon... maybe too soon? Hubby's going to be away (after he's finished teaching) for very nearly 2 weeks sailing and teaching workshops for Theatre BC... so much to think about! I'm wondering if my parents might like to take the kids for a weekend (like the first w'end after school's out if you're reading this, Mom), perhaps giving me some rather illusive time to myself!

Other news? My Gramma's in Hospital. She seems to be getting better, which is good - I'm sure my Grampa is looking forward to having her home again.

That's it for updates. Sad, isn't it?

it's the FIRST!

2007-06-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

Alsoplus? Check out your horoscope!

er...

2007-06-01T15:52:00.001-07:00

Perhaps this week has gotten away with me a bit (oops!). But NOW it's Friday, I'm absolutely sleep deprived, but it's been a pretty amazing week.

Perspective, Thursday style

2007-05-30T15:16:00.000-07:00

The last post was on Monday. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking of all of the people that I've been in touch with SINCE Monday. It's kinda crazy. Friendships that I thought were possibly irreparably broken or lost to the past are on the mend; rekindled, if you will. Surprises all over the place: and while I've found myself feeling a little melancholy, I've also discovered that that particular kind of sadness, or hope; excitement or resentment is now being tempered with the hope and excitement of meeting up with these people again.

So thank you.

Perspective

2007-05-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

One's perspective is, I think, irreparably skewed by one's ego. For example: what you remember about a person is not necessarily what that person would expect you to remember, and vice-versa.

I've been thinking about that quite a lot today (guilty of facebook). In meeting up with friends of a lifetime ago (as far back as *gasp* high school), I'm finding myself surprised at what they remember, or don't - depending on circumstances. I'm also surprised by the rushes of emotion when hearing from friends that I didn't know I missed (or how much I missed them), until they say things like "hi pretty lady". Simple? Yes. And No.

Life experience and, at times, boredom, have written events into my memory - bringing them up for perusal when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable, or, as I just mentioned, bored. I think we remember events that helped to shape us or shame us into a particular mould... things that wouldn't necessarily effect the others involved. Did jealously (hers) over an old boyfriend (or perhaps 2) shape the way I eventually remembered a friend? Did that kiss mean more to me? Did I embarrass myself inexcusably at that party? Did he/she forget about me? What I want to say is "of course not" - but I don't really know, nor do I have the will or interest to seek out the answers to those questions from those people that matter(ed?). These insecurities are insane because if there's anything I've learned in the past 20 years, it's to live in the present, forget the past and look to the future. Those that want to come with you will.

However; having said that, I still find myself thinking about those things. Important or not; real or not; emotional; or not. What we want, I think, is to be remembered. Favourably, if at all possible.

And on that note, and ending with perspective, you must read this.

What can Brown do for me???

2007-05-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

Well, they can deliver my g'damn package, that's what. They "guaranteed" delivery by 8pm last night. I'm still waiting. They're now "guaranteeing" delivery by 8pm tonight. I'm not holding my breath. You know? I've never had an on-time delivery from UPS. NEVER.

Goddessa? If you're out there, I would like to request a smiting.

There were hords.

2007-05-18T11:55:00.001-07:00

They ate

They hung out in the sun

They committed carnage on an innocent pinata.

Fun was had by all 2 dozen (plus 1) of them.

8

2007-05-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

She's going to be 8. At 10:21am tomorrow morning, my little girl's going to be 8. That's really exciting, and scary, and loads of other stuff - but that's my stuff, not hers. I'm feeling like this birthday is going to be a bit of a coming of age for her - not really a little girl, not yet a teen. I'm excited for her.

I'm going crazy trying to get things ready for her - I've laid out a new birthday outfit so that she'll see it when she gets up, with the promise of more presents throughout the day. It's going to be a BIG party - 20 confirmed at this point - and it's going to be a water party (thank god the weather's going to cooperate!). Leon's busy blowing up the pool as I write this - poor guy, he's got to have hyperventilated about a dozen times by now.

Will post with pics tomorrow (well, probably Thursday). Wish us all luck!

Oh, ouch!

2007-05-14T08:36:00.000-07:00

What a hugely busy weekend! It's remarkable how you can start a weekend with a LONG list of things to do, work very hard, and STILL have things on the list on Monday morning! Well, quite alright. Most of what's left are 5 minute jobbies - pain in the behind 5 minute jobbies, but....

I LOVE the colour of our front and back decks - we painted the front "dark granite" and the back (the new one) natural tone cedar (stain). The results are just fantastic - one more day of drying and we're ready to go!

Mother's day was terrific - the kids brought me cards and coffee - my oldest made me a bath bomb (holy cow, she's only 7!), my youngest a very pretty "shopping list maker". My hubbie made breakfast, lunch and dinner - and even cleaned it all up! All in all, the best mother's day EVER! Jeez, now I have to think of something for father's day (maybe I'll declare an end to projects for the day?)!

The end of the list is in site. I'd best go and tackle it!

Doll Face

2007-05-11T13:05:00.001-07:00

This is amazing, and beautiful and unbelievable and sends an enormously frightening message. Hope you enjoy it as much as I have

Er...

2007-05-10T19:20:00.000-07:00

Well, you've got to admit, she's (yes, that's our Jordan) cute!

Life's funny, like that

2007-05-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

On the heels of discovering that issues of anxiety (for me) are very much rooted in the past, and dealing (or not dealing) with grief properly - leading to feelings of unworthiness and/or rejection in the face of emotional turmoil, my Grandmother has had life-threatening (or life-saving, depending how you look at it) surgery.

I spent most of the day yesterday with an enormous knot in my stomach, waiting to hear anything, really, about how she did in surgery. Her surgery began at 8am and was to be a (relatively simple) repair for an (admittedly HUGE) abdominal aortic aneurysm. Well, I suppose nothing can be simple when you're nearly 91, and she proved it. My sister called me at 1:30 to let me know that Gram was STILL in surgery and the prospects weren't great - they had to actually straighten out about 16cm of vein in order to de-calcify and then insert not one, but 2 stents (the MRI originally showed only an 8cm occlusion). Anyway. She got out of surgery just past 5 - intubated (that means she had to have a breathing tube to help her breathe) and was then sent to the PACU. The latest this morning is that she has been semi-awake (which is good, but not so good that they're saying she's out of the woods yet). She's still intubated, but they've moved her from the PACU to the ICU (again, good - but not so....... see last italicized statement). Waiting has never been a strong point for me.

Apparently Gram was the talk of the hospital yesterday. Dad was talking to loads of former colleagues and each and every one of them mentioned the "90 year old undergoing impossible surgery" - my Dad just smiled and said "that's my Mother-in-Law". I love when people wear peppermint shoes.

As a wonderful aside, I must mention that my Grandfather (now 101 - the youngest of his surviving siblings) was up and dressed to the nines by 4:30am - ready to take Gramma to the hospital. He's so sweet - and so worried about her.

Anyway. Anxiety levels are decreasing, I'm much more mellow today (my kids will be VERY happy about that - I got upset about a piece of paper on the floor yesterday - sheesh) and I'm sending healing thoughts out to her. Join in if you're able.

Yummmm

2007-05-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

Do you like peanut butter cups? How about cookies? Well, here's a recipe I've developed combining the best of both worlds - AND you don't need flour to make it!

2 c. CHUNKY peanut butter(yes, it makes a difference - but only in the texture)
1 c. Sugar
3/4c. Mini Chocolate Chips (semi-sweet)
2 Eggs

Preheat oven to 325°.

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix until well integrated. Roll into balls approx. 1” in diameter. Place on cookie sheet about 2” apart and flatten with a fork. Bake for 15-18 minutes, or until light brown (cooking times will vary, depending on the size of the cookies) – do not overcook!

Makes 3 dozen.

My birthday gift to you... Enjoy!

Afters

2007-05-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

Well, it's done. The birthday, the deck (well, except staining and planters), the millions of relatives (which was mostly okay because they worked on the deck)....

Many thanks to everyone that made it out to help. Thanks also to Jim, who brought me the biggest brightest birthday bouquet I've EVER seen.

It was fun! Next weekend, the fence.

XO

It's MAY

2007-05-01T09:16:00.000-07:00

Already. It's nearly summer. Holy crap.

Well, on the (other) bright side: the trellis fence is going to be done today (yes, 2 weeks later...), we're shopping for deck lumber tomorrow (yay) for the deck that's being built on the weekend, and the countdown to Casey's birthday has begun (she's marking her calendar... no, really).

Being the first of May (or any month, really), I made the pilgrimage to my favourite horoscope site to see what to expect for the month of May... and she, sadly, hasn't posted the new ones yet. Oh well, later.

So, what do you all think of PC? I'm finding more and more that I'm becoming quite annoyed with having to temper my opinions with phrases like "I respect such-and-such's right to.... but" when the fact of the matter is that I DON'T necessarily respect their choices and feel somehow that I need to temper my opinion in order to - what? - not hurt their feelings? While I DO respect people's rights to have an opinion, I also expect my RIGHTS to be respected. One does NOT have to respect my opinions. This has all come up because of an offensive quote in the Globe that was brought to light by Cheesefairy. I mean yes, it was about shoes, but still... One should not have to apologize for having an opinion, no matter how wrong it may be = )... um, that was a statement of support for Cheesefairy, not the idiot that wrote the comment in the Globe. *grin*

and counting....

2007-04-27T11:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, 2 nights in a row - this is getting serious. I am alert, nearly what one could call "happy" rather than surly. I ENJOYED my shower, rather than having it be something necessary to wake me up.

I can't WAIT to see what's going to happen after Tuesday's visit.

You are getting sleeeepy....

2007-04-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

No, not really.

Here's the thing. Hypnotism is cool - very cool... but if I had to describe it to you, it would be very difficult. You "wake up" remembering everything that happened - but that's because you're not "out"... you ARE actually conscious and aware the entire time. You are NOT under the control of the practitioner, and what you do or don't do is entirely up to you. You will not/cannot participate in anything that goes against your grain or that you find morally or ethically repugnant.

My practitioner did plant a post-hypnotic suggestion that did actually allow me to ignore (or accept) the snores beside me last night, allowing me to have a great sleep! Yay! But I woke up with my daughter's persistent cough (boo). S'okay. Anything's better with a solid 7 hours under your belt!

Conclusion? Hypnosis works. I'm going again on Tuesday to work some more on relaxation techniques... she's going to teach me to self-hypnotise!

Happy, happy, joy, joy

2007-04-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

And for those of you that DON'T enjoy Ren & Stimpy....

Today's the day! I am getting hypnotised at 4pm. I'm excited, and nervous and interested and loads of other things... but mostly anticipating how I'll feel after a great sleep tonight.

Oh, and also? Thanks to Lisa, who reminded us of this little affair....

but for those of you that don't have dogs, I was reminded of another birthday with a very scary picture...

Happy 60th Birthday, Iggy. Luv ya, ya freak!

The funniest thing anyone ever said to me...

2007-04-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

I've been known not to sleep. I've been known for my problems getting to/staying asleep. It's been going on for YEARS. Yes, that's why I look tired and yes, that's why I'm grumpy sometimes. I'm hoping that hypnotherapy can help me overcome that, as well as other issues. Saturday's the day, folks! I'm excited, and a bit scared, actually - it's a scary thought, letting someone roam around inside your head! I wonder if she's going to tape it?

Right. The funny bit. Awhile ago, Leon got up before me and took the girls out - so I didn't wake up; not until they got back several hours later and he woke me up after 14 - yes, 14 straight hours of sleep! His words to me? Well, it's great to see that the bags under your eyes are gone.... but they've left stretchmarks.

Update: my Saturday session has been cancelled by the therapist. Why? She has a crush on Leon and feels that working with me would be a conflict. Damn Hottie Husband!

To our American neighbours....

2007-04-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

who are also supporters of the NRA

Sincerely, me

Update!

2007-04-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

For anyone planning on helping out on the w'end of the 28th (fencing), the date's been changed to the w'end of the 12th. Thanks though!

PS - we're still on for the deck on the w'end of the 5th!

Before his time?

2007-04-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

Came across this while reading last night...

When it shall be said in any country in the world, my poor are happy: neither ignorance nor distress is to be found among them; my jails are empty of prisoners;my streets of beggars; the aged are not in want; the taxes are not oppressive... When these things can be said, then may that country boast its constitution and its government.

This was written by Thomas Paine. In 1793.

Busy? Not busy. Busy?

2007-04-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

Well, we're coming out of a period of BUSY which entailed 6 shows, rehearsals at our place, planting a load of cedars, landscaping, humpty-humpty lifty-lifty, AND all of the usual activities. Now we're slowing down a wee bit before picking up again. This week we're doing 4x Tae Kwon Do (2 for Leon, 2 for Casey), softball (2 games), an end-of-the-year BBQ (weather permitting) for some of Leon's students, soccer practice plus the mini-world-cup 2-day event that will mark the end (finally) of the soccer season for this year and 1 softball practice. Also included in this week will be the building of the lattice fence around the garden and the planting of the garden... and, my favourite, sweetpeas, honeysuckle and jasmine to climb the lattice!

We need volunteers! The weekend of the 28th will be fence building and the weekend of the 5th (my birthday, incidentally) will be the Building Of The Deck. That will mostly put us in good stead for the rest of the summer, with the only remaining projects being the completion of the landscaping and my laundry room. Dates TBA!!!

All I can say is that after a solid year of renos (which followed 2 years of bits and pieces), we will all be breathing a pretty huge sigh of relief in our practically brand new house!

Dear McDonald's

2007-04-13T17:10:00.000-07:00

Now, you KNOW I'm not a big fan of fast food. You also know that I really have no appreciation for your company refusing to remove trans fats from its foods because of the "negative effect" it would have on taste... if KFC can do it, anyone can.

My problem with you today, however, comes from some reading and research I've been doing.

How IS it, McDonald's, that you can supply Sweden with nothing but organic food in edible or 100% biodegradable packaging (removing horrible things like feed lots for raising the beef - the environmental impact ALONE with THAT move really ought to make you think)? How is it, McDonald's, that you claim that you can't serve vegetarian options when in Geneva you do, in fact, serve up a Vegi Mac?

It just plain pisses me off, McDonald's, that you can't offer North American consumers (or in my case, non-consumers) healthier and (likely) tastier food.

Okay, folks.. here it is!

2007-04-05T19:02:00.000-07:00

Three things you may not know about me, but may find interesting (if not, oh well...)

1. I have travelled quite a lot and speak 4 languages fluently (read AND write 3 of them).

2. I tend to have scarily accurate (demonstrated) premonitive/precognitive abilities.

3. Although I have some pretty clear ideas, I STILL don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Things on the list? Forensic Psychologist, Sign Language Interpreter (well, a little anyway), Arts Lobbyist and (as those reading the blog know I'm already working on...) Project Food for Thought. There's also Blue Peanut's initiatives - I could never NEVER give up the arts.

3a... okay, maybe this is cheating just a wee little bit, but it's related to #3... and I KNOW that no one knows about this because I've never said it before. I've never said it before because it's too close to me. I've never persued it BECAUSE it's too close to me and I'm afraid to try and fail. So, here goes. I would love to sing again. Perform, that is. For people. There. I said it. It's out there.

So there you go. That is all.

Oh, for crying out LOUD!

2007-04-03T22:09:00.000-07:00

Okay. Here's the thing. If you want to produce theatre, produce theatre. Don't whine about losing a space, or lack of money, or anything.

When I was in Vancouver working as the Business Mgr/Administrative Associate with Theatre M.O.M. (Theatre Modular Organizational Management Society), I had over 80 small and mid-size theatre clients. They ALL, without exception, managed to find space in which to produce. Some worked out of theatres, some in a tent in a park, others out of the basement of a pub or back workspace of a bookshop. Each and every one of them received funding - federal, provincial, municipal and gaming.

What matters is the work.

In the town that I live in, there are many such spaces. In fact, Blue Peanut is producing in one right now - an Art Gallery. Now, at the risk of pissing some people off, I have some things to say. There is an AD in town that has just chosen to cancel his entire season (07/08) because the venue that he has been working out of (which, in my opinion should have been condemned long ago for health and safety reasons) has been sold and requires much work before it can be used again. I would really like to see the minutes of the General Meeting during which this decision was made. Not really though. My point? Stop whining and do something about it. Instead of using your energies to rant in the local newspaper, over e-mails and on the backs of programs, Create Space. There's no one to fight here. We, as the arts community need to ALL come together to make space happen, or look at other options instead of acting singularly. I would refer anyone listening to See 7, the brainchild of Theatre M.O.M. Many years ago it started out as a marketing initiative for 7 companies that couldn't afford either space or marketing individually. It grew. Audiences grew. It incorporated on its own and still continues to grow, attracting both new audiences and producing companies. As theatre professionals, we can't afford to ignore one another, but must instead work together.

I propose AARTS Nanaimo. It's an initiative of Blue Peanut that I've been working on for a year or so now. The idea is to form a collective of arts professionals and/or people that WANT to be in the arts. Collective admin, collective marketing, etc. - and I'm willing to help ANYONE that needs administrative advices. I'm also working on setting up something akin to Vancouver's Alliance for Arts and Culture, but for Vancouver Island.

If there's anyone out there interested in learning Arts Admin and increasing their individual effectiveness and/or apprenticing, let me know. I'm here and willing to help.

A day early?

2007-04-03T10:02:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm getting lazy. 1 post a week - that's it!

Blue Peanut's show seems to be going well enough. Leon (the AD) chose a terrific group of people to participate and the audiences, although on the small side (the venue is tiny) are quite appreciative.

Now here's the thing. I've been tagged for a meme, but I have no idea what to say. The topic is 3 things that people don't know about you. I have no idea what people don't know about me - or what people may be interested to know about me.... so, what do I write about?

No Complaints

2007-03-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

This is cool. There's a pastor in the US that has a website. His goal is a complaint-free world! How cool. While I may not share his faith or belief system, I have to admire someone that has come up with such an admirable plan. His idea? A little purple rubber bracelet. All you have to do is wear it on one wrist for 21 days. The catch? If you complain, about anything, you have to change wrists and start counting all over again. Not as easy as it sounds, eh? The bracelets are free (3-5 weeks for delivery), and available on the above website - they request a donation, but it's not necessary. Now let's find a way to have an ad-free day, shall we?